Discomfort

More drawings

2012-02-18T11:57:00.003-08:00

Hey Mike,

I like the celebrity portaits you did a lot.

Here are some sketches of the cable guide booklet from my hotel in Hartford.

Michael Shane Cannon

2012-02-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hey Mike,

Here's a picture of my friend, Mike. He looks weirder than this in real life.

Celebrity Drawing 2

2012-02-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hey Mike, hope you had a good superbowl day.

This one's at least kind of recognizable, eh?

Celebrity Drawing

2012-02-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

(Guess which celebrity I tried to draw and I won't bother you about web design help for almost 3 days.)

Hey Mike,

I started to use the drawing pad on photoshop. Better watch out. In about 18 years I might be as good as you.

Dan

Auditions

2012-01-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

Hey Mike,

How's things? Heard I'm seeing you in April in Cleveland. Looking forward to it.

Here's a video I made with some friends:

Dan

Being a Superintendent: A Training Video

2012-01-10T06:13:00.000-08:00

Hey Mike,

My boss told me about a ribs festival coming up in St. Louis. You and Robin should check it out.

Here's a funny video my friend made. I have a pretty incredible cameo in the middle.

Love,

Dan

It Gets Worse!

2012-01-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

Hey Mike,

Here's a video I was involved with for the Google TV pilot, Recap.

Dan

New Epic Film From Funny Cakes!

2012-01-05T09:50:00.000-08:00

Hi Mike,

Here's a new epic motion picture from Funny Cakes! Watch the shit out of it with a vengeance if you dare.

Love,

Dan

Happy Chanukah

2011-12-21T12:17:00.001-08:00

Happy first or second day of Chanukah. Might be third. Not sure. Either way...

Terrorism Vs. "So Far No Good"

2011-11-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Hey Mike,

Terrorism is a terrible thing, but not so terrible when you have Joe List's CD, "So Far No Good"

Last Chance Mr. Giggles

2011-10-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hey Mike,

Here are a few promos I helped edit for a reality television pilot, Last Chance Mr. Giggles, Produced by Jamisonkane Entertainment.

8 comedians with 200 years experience between them FINALLY get their shot at TV success. Voice over by Colin Quinn.

I also edited promos for the reality game show, My Friends Think I'm Funny.

Everyone knows someone as funny as "that guy on TV." JamisonKane Entertainment will give them that shot to say "My friends think I'm funny and now so do you." But there's a catch. If the set isn't going so well their "friends" decide whether or not to pull them off the stage. Who will survive? Hosted by Wali Collins

Halloween Horror

2011-10-26T09:09:00.001-07:00

Hey Mike,

Here's a new video from Miracle Worker's Comedy. We really put a lot of time into the story-line and concept. Probably going to make it a feature film by next year.

Halloween Horror - watch more funny videos

2011-10-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

Hi Mike,

Good talking to you yesterday.

Joe List has a new CD "So Far No Good" available on iTunes! Check out the 21 second in-depth documentary we shot about the promotion of the album.

Love,

Dan

Jewin' It

2011-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael,

(For some reason this picture feels really anti-semitic to me. I don't know if that makes me self-hating or if Jews are so ridiculous looking that when someone portrays us accurately it looks like they're insulting us.)

Someone at a show last night said I look very “Jewy." I immediately felt insulted. Do you ever get that? I don't think you look as Jewy as I do, and by that I mean your nose isn't as big as mine, you don't hunch over as much as I do, and your hair is shorter and therefore less fro-licious. Although you do often have a beard which bumps up your Jew factor.

It feels anti-semitic just to talk about Jewy-ness. I think that happens for three reasons:

1.) I was raised, like many Jews, to think that anyone non-Jewish who talks about anything Jewish is anti-semitic. My mom constantly tells me about a new person or country that’s anti-Semitic. So now, simple phrases like "I work with a Jew" sounds like "I work with a Jew and that's my least favorite co-worker," especially if the speaker has blond or no hair. Even, "I find Jews attractive" sounds like a trap.

Because I don't really practice any sort of Judaism except for neurosis (and I leave work early for holidays like Shemini Atzeret), I don't consider myself Jewish enough to talk about Jews without sounding anti-semitic.

Fun Fact: Once this kid called me a stupid Jew (which might have been more because I used to foul a lot when I played basketball and less because he hated Jews. Years later I realized it was just one of many reasons to not live in Ohio, but I’ve also tried to be less stupid so I can give Jews a good name. To be fair though, I don’t think he was saying Jews are stupid, but rather, when compared to most Jews, I’m one of the stupid ones).

2.) Jews, at least the ones who fulfill Jewish stereotypes, are weird looking in my book (my 95,000 word manuscript "Jews Look Weird" is still looking for a publisher. If you are interested please contact my literary agent. His name is Dan and he can be reached at my personal email address). So many of us stereotypical Jews have larger, more bumpy noses than other races of people, and a bunch, myself included, hunch over while looking like we don't understand the world and how it can be filled with so many questions/burdens. So when someone says "you look Jewy" it sounds like they're saying, "you look weird right now. You're making me uncomfortable. Stop doing that."

3.) I forget the third reason. I think I probably just lumped it in with the other two.

How I got to be so somewhat anti-semitic
I have a “love/hate/am confused by” relationship with Judaism. I was raised Jewish, but in North Carolina, Virginia, and Ohio so until the age of 14 I was under the impression you were only allowed to have 4 Jews in one town at a time. You could go to neighboring towns and meet up with other Jews, but only on Friday nights, Saturday mornings, and for Sunday school.

The Wonder Years
I didn’t learn much about Judaism in Sunday school. In third grade my Sunday school teacher was a college kid/pro-wrestling enthusiast who said I looked like a “wise old owl” because I was more interested in learning about the Torah than analyzing who’d win a cage match between Ric Flair and the Undertaker (The way it was explained to me in class was the two would fight but then Triple X and Hollywood Hogan would show up with a can of whoop-ass, leading chaos to ensue, similar to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah).

P.S. Getting called a "wise old owl" by another Jew is a pretty dismal feeling. It's kind of like the kettle saying the pot is nerdy even though the kettle is 15 years older than the pot and should be acting more mature than a Junior High bully from a 1950s PSA.

For the Jew holiday (I don't think I can say that so you shouldn't either), Tu BiSh'vat, Jews plant a tree to honor the memory of a loved one or friend. Our teacher had us decide whether we wanted to plant a tree for our old rabbi who had just passed away or for Andre the Giant. My class chose Andre the Giant, which was ok because I really enjoyed the Princess Bride.

vs =

When I moved to Pennsylvania I became friends with minions of Jews and joined a youth group, but most of us focused less on praying and more on the Woody Allen/ultimate Frisbee/Guster aspects of the religion.

Becoming a Man Jew
Many Jews embrace their Judaism during their Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation. However, the most Jewish I’ve ever felt was when I moved to Boston and my good friend Tom introduced me to people as “The Jew.” I wasn't just Jewish, I was the sole representative for those looking to find out why Jews keep kosher or which holocaust jokes were too offensive to tell a Jew.

Jew Jew Believe In Magic
I tried to rejuvenate my interest in Judaism when I went on a Birthright trip to Israel, but it rained for 8 of the days and snowed several times while I was there so I don’t know if God even wants me to be Jewish.

However, I haven't gotten laid in so long that I've started believing I can't just focus on improving my personality and physical appearance. I need to start networking with some powerful allies, specifically God. It may be possible that I haven't gotten any hoo-ha because I didn't believe in the almighty and visit his house every week to pray to him and listen to stories about how he tried to trick a guy into killing his own son (the other reason may be that I call sex "hoo-ha").

So I'm starting to become a little more religious, or at least spiritual. This means that instead of wearing a yarmulke on my head because I think it looks ridiculous, I just reposition my desk in the "money corner" so I can attract the positive frequencies flowing throughout the cosmos and inspire the universe to smile back at me.

So In Delusion...
I guess I shouldn't get so defensive when someone calls me "Jewy." I should be happy that guy's sending a message to God that I'm trying harder and deserve a reward. Just like when I learned guitar and joined a band, I'm getting Jewier mostly to get laid.

Comedy Time

2011-10-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

Taped for the people at Comedy Time. Here's what happened...

New Videos

2011-10-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael,

Great job with the fifth dentist website.

I know you've seen these, but here are some videos that other people haven't seen that I'd like to post on my blog so it looks like I blog semi-regularly. I appear in them and also helped to edit them together on my laptop computer.

Love,

Dan

The Andy Kaufman Award

2011-10-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

Entered The Andy Kaufman Award

Here's my submission video: Bobby "The Riotman" Dirshon

Old Broads

2011-10-02T05:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Rosh Hashanah last week everyone who's Jewish. Don't worry, I talked to God and he/she/it said it was ok if I skipped synagogue this year so long as I wrote a couple blogs in which I insult people.

Yesterday I was running late for a show and got stuck in standstill foot traffic in the Union Sq subway. A breakdancing group had gathered such a large audience it was hard to get around. I was annoyed, until an elderly lady in front huffed and said, "This is a public nuisance!" Then she looked around for support from the rest of us who were trying to move forward, like she was starting a revolution, like that was her Che Guevara moment and vegans with dreadlocks everywhere would wear her image on their smelly shirts. But everyone was just annoyed she slowed the line down and I almost laughed in her face for saying something was a "public nuisance."

That has to be so frustrating, to be that old lady. She has valid points, but delivers them in that outdated 1920's kind of way that makes people laugh in her face.

People could get murdered, detectives could show up, and she'd say, "These hooligans need to stop lousing things up with their shenanigans!"

"Thanks Mr. Wilson. We were about to catch whoever was behind this triple homicide, but now we're satisfied with laughing hysterically. Let us know if you see any more hoopla or rigamarole."

That being said, I'm sure if a hot girl had said "this is a public nuisance" I would've laid down in front of tanks to end the existence of breakdancing.

It's My Fucked Up Head and I'll Cry (or Not) If I Want To

2011-09-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've been to a few funerals where I haven't cried thinking about those RIPing. It's weird because I'm pretty awesome at crying when it comes to movies and even some TV shows. One time I was watching Tracy Morgan in a faux sentimental scene on 30 Rock and I welled up and got chokey. That was uncomfortable. He was saying how thankful he was for his posse who always had his back and then he made an extremely forced sad face and I felt a genuine tear building in my eye. I almost slapped myself for making me feel so awkward. "That's what you get for crying at jokes."

More recently I was driving home, listening to Marc Maron's WTF podcast and Lisa Lampanelli mentioned the movie "Field of Dreams" and how everyone loses it during the scene when they play catch. I lost it in my car. I didn't even have to watch the movie. I heard someone give a one second synopsis of a scene and I had streams down my cheeks, yet when someone from my extended family dies I could care less. I guess that makes me an ultra sensitive dick. There's got to be some kind of middle ground: I should be able to cry at least a little when someone I'm related to dies and maybe during a movie dealing with the holocaust ("Indiana Jones" not included, although I'd let "Inglorious Basterds" slide ).

I do feel guilty about not feeling sad at funerals though so what I'm going to do now is imagine dead relatives within the context of movies I've cried during. "Aunt Betty, I'll miss you. I still remember the time our plane crashed in the Andes and I had to eat your butt cheeks to stay alive." Or "Great Uncle Gary, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault..." and of course, "Oh Cousin Jackie, don't call me Shirley."

Comedy Spillage Radio

2011-09-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

Hi Hirshonoids,

Every now and again you can hear me in the form of various characters on Comedy Spillage Radio with host, Shawn Cornelius.

Check it out here!

Love,

Myself

Meditatin'

2011-09-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Hey meditation, you're cheaper than medication and most people from monks to psychologists say you can bring me to a higher place and make me happier. But when I listen to the gurus on your babbling brook and ocean waves CDs, they all speak with this soft, slow monotone and sound dangerously close to brain dead. If those are my role models, are you saying I need to have a lobotomy to be happy? I'm not motivated to reach a higher consciousness when it's just going to make me sound like Mr. Rogers meets HAL, the evil computer from 2001 Space Odyssey. I'm not reaching a higher awareness. I'm getting the dazed and confused brain of Spicoli from Fast Times. Congratulations meditation, you've found a way to make me a pot head without the fun and social benefits of smoking pot with friends. That being said, I'm going to continue to try you out as you and your gurus help me fall asleep at night.

What Women Don't Want

2011-09-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

Regularly I learn new things that women don't like. This past weekend while in Hartford, Connecticut I discovered that when a women asks you to guess her bra size, she doesn't like it when you just squint your eyes, plant your nose within a millimeter of her breasts and stare for a good three minutes without saying anything. Bobbing your head while cupping the air around her breasts with your hands doesn't seem to arouse her either.

Dear women:

Please don't ever ask me to guess your bra size again. I'd rather guess how fat I think you are or the number of hairs you have in your mustache.

* * * *

Dear salesmen who travel around to aviation trade shows around the country and don't understand how a guy like me could possibly lack confidence:

Please don't try and set me up with another 6"2 former high school basketball star who greets me with a pained expression on her large face when you introduce me as "the funny man" and then forces me to guess her bra size. I know you mean well, but you're making me feel like an asshole.

Here's bachelorette photo I crashed:

More blogs coming soon!

2011-04-16T05:02:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna start blogging again soon. I can feel it.

Tonight I'll be doing some talking in a comedic fashion at O'Hanlon's on 14th and 1st ave around 8pm. And tomorrow, Sunday, April 17th I'll be performing more comedic hijinx at the Broadway Comedy Club at 9:30pm.

Keith and the Girl

2011-04-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

You can hear me and my funny friend, Micah Sherman, on this episode of the hilarious podcast, "Keith and the Girl." Micah wants to have sex with a transvestite to help complete his bucket list and I talk about how I'm not a fan of drinking without women.

Good Afternoon, Sleeping Beauty

2011-03-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Did some shows in Massachusetts this weekend and so I stayed at my parents' house. It’s a felony to wake up after 8 at my parents’ house. They will do everything in their power to make sure you don't sleep past 8, like the cops are going to show up, rip you out of bed, and arrest you for relaxing and enjoying your life.

I'm finally away from the chaos in New York City, lying in bed in the suburbs...they're yelling on speaker phone, not even outside calls, just my dad talking to my mom. They're smashing dishes against the floor, taking lessons on the electric guitar, performing step aerobics all over the house.

Then when I have the audacity to walk downstairs after sleeping for less than five hours, they say "oh it’s so nice of you to join us sleeping beauty.” Or they call me a “lazy bum” depending on how offensive they feel. Sleeping beauty had someone kiss her awake. Waking up to you playing broadway musicals on surround sound speakers while gossiping about the politics at your day school is not exactly a fairy tale wakeup.

One time I woke up at 9:30 and my grandmother goes, “well good afternoon.” Usually it has to be after noon to be afternoon. Just because I’m out 5 hours after you go to bed doesn’t mean afternoon gets a new definition.

Point is, I'm cranky right now.

Johnny TweezWasabi: Method Motivational Speaker

2010-12-09T03:11:00.000-08:00

Below is a Transcript of Commencement Speech at Hirshwell's by Johnny TweezWasabi: Method Motivational Speaker

President Hirshwell, Members of the Hirshwell’s Corporation and the board of overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and of course, graduates of Hirshwell’s Community College at Night, I would like to begin by saying thank you. Thank you for allowing me to enrich your lives and become a major influence in your memories.

Most of you already know me from my motivational speeches and inspirational aura, but let me blow your minds by revealing that I haven’t always been so incredible. Just like you are now, I was at one time a lost cause, a frustrated young chap. I was constantly mad at myself for not accomplishing all I wanted to. I felt time was running out and I was moving too slowly for life itself. But then I discovered what would immediately give me the strength to overcome my problems. I discovered crystal meth.

Like you I was skeptical at first…but after crushing 14 boxes of Sudafed into fine powder, dumping the contents into a pitcher of An-hydrous ammonia with 4 unraveled alkaline batteries until it produced a rotten egg smell and fog, then pouring the mixture into a Ziploc bag, separating and pouring contents through coffee filters, filling a rinsed out 20 oz pop bottle 1/3 of the way with salt, cutting a hole in the top, inserting a fish hose, connected to the two original bags with the filtered contents, opening the bag to release the smoke so it doesn’t become stale, and waiting 2 to 3 hours for it to dry before shooting it into my veins, I was soon able to stay awake for 8-970 hours at a time.

Whereas I used to feel groggy, I suddenly had the adrenaline rush to complete all my homework as well as everyone else’s, paint houses, write novels, build ice sculptures, master ju jitzu and taekwando, play a 1 on 5 basketball game, learn every language in existence, and sell meth to all the young kids my community…all overnight. I’d gained a superpower and that superpower was identified in the urban dictionary as Smurf Dope.

Class of 2011, if you don’t believe me, I beg you to simply give Scooby Snax a try. I guarantee you won’t want to stop.

Dr. Seuss once said, “Oh the places you will go…if you smoke chank and cheebah.” Clearly he knew how to get things done. Are you ready to jump aboard the train to happiness town where skyscrapers are erected from powder monkeys and hope is not a myth, but rather a vat of Satan Dust?

All our lives we are taught to believe meth is a poor decision, but I learned something, and you soon will too: the most important lesson to learn after college graduation is that life isn’t about others making decisions for you, it’s about you shooting up on white crunch so you can feel like the king of the universe.

Graduating class, if I leave you with one message besides that it’s important to smoke baggers, I’ll leave you with this: If you are one the lucky few to discover your true passion in life, don’t run away from it, even if it explodes in your face because you didn’t stir the ammonia at the correct speed.

Allow me to explain. Soon after finding my calling, I put together a lab out in the desert so I could expose more people life’s wonderful solution. You’re welcome.

However, with most epiphanies come some epipha-nos. One day while cooking some happiness, I accidentally burned my entire face off. But like any true motivator, I persisted. I searched through the mushroom cloud that’d encompassed my lab, found a needle, and shot up. Six months later after a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery, I am here to tell you that I am still on meth, and still loving life.

Students, the reason I tell you this story is because many in this position might have given up. My friend who was running the lab with me actually quit meth altogether and left joy town. He went to a place where instead of having fun with meth, they just talked about all the times they used to have fun with meth. Excuse my tough love, but are you bored? Because I am.

Your time is limited, so don’t let the noise of after school specials and DARE programs drown out your desire to reach for the stars, especially if those stars look like some Sweet Ass Spinderella that you can smoke.

If you’d like to support my solution to life, please feel free to buy my meth or my CD, entitled Meth: Taking the “if” out of life, and also taking the “L-e” out of life and replacing it with “Meth.” The CD is available on i-tunes or in my new undisclosed basement lab in Chinatown.

Thank you for your time. Meth foreves.

$1400 / Common Rume w/ futon and small TV!

2010-11-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

Wanta liv in ar common rume fore only $1400/mo?

A Coming Of Age Gangsta Tale

2010-11-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

My friend, C, frequently says he’s gangsta: “Yo I’m gangsta, son!” He says it like it’s a self-affirmation: "I’m good enough, I’m strong enough, and doggonit, I’m gangsta son!" If you put your mind to it, you can believe anything you want to, son.

He'll say something like "you know how I do" because he's so aware of his own identity that he assumes everyone around him knows how he do. That must be wonderful to have so much self-awareness. And on top of that he also knows that the answer to "how he do" is a respectable one. He's like an apostle, unable to be swayed from his faith. He'll loudly explain "Son, you know how I do" and I'll say, "I know how you do. You read Spiderman and Batman and sit in your house on the weekends to play Call of Duty." And he'll say "Aight son, quit playin'" which is like saying, "The Lord forgiveth all, even thoseth who have fallen from grace."

We've had our differences. When I first met him he could see that I didn't feel gangsta so he yelled in my face: “Just relax! Motherfucka, RELAX!” and I said, "I’m trying, but I freaking out from the irony in this."

He has so much confidence he can’t see how I could lack it so he gives me the same advice he’d give himself. “Yo don’t take shit from no one, just tell that nigga to back the fuck up!” Whereas I'm a little skeptical. “Um, do I have to use the n-word? I don't really feel comfortable telling anyone to back the fuck anywhere. I'd prefer to chiggity check myself before I wriggity wreck myself." Don't get me wrong, I understand that words can never hurt me, but they can inspire someone to hit my bones with sticks and stones and AK-47 bullets.

One thing I've come to learn through acceptance and self-awareness is that I don’t want to be gangsta. Not because I can't be gangsta (I mean, we all know how I do), but rather, because these top five reasons why gangstaism does not work for me:

1.) Gangstas spend quite a bit of money on champagne and almost immediately waste it by pouring the champagne on their bitches. I don't like to waste. There are people starving in China who would be more than appreciative about that champagne. Also I pay close attention to hygiene and pouring champagne all over one's body can lead to rashes and other health issues.

2.) Gangstas often need clothing that displays their gang colors. I cannot stand shopping and also some days I don't have many outfits to choose from since most of my clothes are in the hamper. I'd rather not get shot because my blue bandana is still getting washed at the laundromat.

3.) Gangstas appear very concerned with pimping out their ride. I, on the other hand, am looking for something fuel efficient. I'm not all about money. I'm also about the environment and protecting it and understand that if my car is not weighed down by expensive rims and a $10,000 sound system that I can do my part for the ozone layer.

4.) Similarly, gangstas appear very concerned with pimping out their crib. I don’t care what kind of leopard print carpeting the interior designer uses for my bedroom as long as an actual leopard is not harmed.

5.) Gangstas must be angry on a frequent basis and must communicate via yelling. I prefer to designate my energy elsewhere, such as into comedy writing or filmmaking. However, while I have little interest in shooting people for their money, I am not totally against shooting them because they’re annoying.

Despite this list, I learned a powerful lesson about my friend C.

One night at a comedy club I got offstage and C said, “yo that blond was laughing hard at your shit. You should hollar at that bitch.” I understood he meant: that I should shout loudly at a ho, but he said it casually like I was hollar certified. I said, "Hold on, I just need to 'drop it like it’s hot' and 'ride dirty back to 8-mile.' Who the fuck do you think you're talking to right now?"

I was put off. I felt insecure. I thought, "I’m not really the type to holler at a bitch. My voice cracks. I can yodel at a bitch, or nod and murmur at a bitch, or even talk extensively about my favorite movies with a bitch, but I don't want to meet a bitch, let alone holler at one. If I hollar I want it to be special. None of this 'Damn girl you got a big ol’ booty.' That could be construed as offensive."

But then I thought, "The world is made up of so many people with so many different points of view, dialects, and voices, all of them incredible in their own way. C has wonderful advice and I shouldn't dismiss it just because he speaks in gangsta tongue. When C says 'hollar at that bitch' he is simply trying to communicate that I should 'go over and speak with that nice young lady because we might hit it off since she seems to enjoy my sense of humor.'"

And then I thought, "I don’t want to be at my deathbed and realize I should’ve hollared this whole time. I should feel confident, knowing that C thinks of me as someone who can adeptly hollar at a bitch. He didn’t sound sarcastic when he said it to me. Rather than think less of C I should give myself more credit. I do have the power to hollar at a bitch. I should show C gratitude. I should tell him 'Thank you for saying I can hollar at a bitch.'" It was as if he’d given me a key to gangsta city and was letting me do as I pleased. Obviously I’d avoid certain alleyways, but for the most part, I was free to do as I pleased.

So I approached the attractive blond and her friends, waved, and said, “Hey Bitches…" And that's how I met your mother. Good night son.

2010-10-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

Throughout my life I feel like I've had several heroes I often haven't acknowledged in my mind. My dad has been a hero of mine, but I didn't realize it at first because I only recognized his faults, or rather, our dissimilarities. When he woke me up in the morning by singing Broadway tunes or reached back from the front seat of the car to stop my brother and I from fighting, I tallied up the instances and painted him as a negative force in my life. The same with my mother, and until recently my brother.

I had friends growing up and still have friends today who act as heroes of mine, but because of my pride I'm often afraid to define them as heroes. Calling them heroes seems to give them a higher ranking than me in life's hierarchy. But I realize they've been my heroes. I've looked up to them, I've often imitated subtleties in their actions and inflections in their voices, and even repeated whole movements and phrases because I saw how it worked for them and believed it would help me improve if I did the same. In this way, they have been Gods to me.

God seems to be a word some use to describe the attractions of the universe, while others use it to describe chaos. For some he is a very strong image in their mind, for others he is shapeless, impossible to even imagine. I use “he” to describe God only because it’s more convenient when explaining my point, but God is genderless, or a specific gender depending what guides you.

God is necessary to survive and though some may reject his existence, faith in God exists in all our lives in some form or another. Every self-help book gives us something to believe in: smile every day and fake it till you make it, or set specific goals so you have something to reach for. We put just as much faith into these ideas as an ultra orthodox Jew puts into the words of the Torah. While one believes that the Boston Celtics winning the NBA championship will bring happiness, another believes the same results will occur after the extermination of homosexuality. Several years ago Boston was a town of losing sports teams. There was a curse that had to be broken and we were led to believe that it would take 100 years to break.

A curse is just the mind’s way of saying there is no God or that God is dead or that God wishes ill upon you. If one feels cursed then he or she merely doesn’t believe in him or herself. No one is cursed as long as they have faith, and faith is simply, one’s desire to go on and experience life. One can lose faith for a variety of reasons. If someone cheats on a guy, he might lose interest in meeting anyone else, or in other words, he might lose faith that there is reason to the universe, especially if he doesn’t examine the cause and effect of his life in detail. However, he doesn’t have to analyze. He just needs to change the dynamics and definitions of his faith. Whereas before he may of thought it impossible for someone to cheat on him, now he must realize that it is possible, but preventable, and that cheating is not yet confirmed to be a definite in every relationship.

That ability to redefine your faith differentiates you from a fanatic who follows a strict image and code that cannot be broken, someone who doesn’t understand that the universe is shifting around them.

However, one might also say that if you don’t back down from your beliefs then the universe will shift at your command.

Whether the definition of your God changes or not, the faith must remain strong in order to remain happy and in order to keep a strong faith one must remain happy. Happiness and faith seem to be the same and so when we pray to God to end suffering around the world, or help our favorite sports team win the championship, or get some guy or girl to like us, we’re simply asking a controllable universe to grant us happiness. If the universe were uncontrollable then what would be the point? Even those who believe in predestination still believe that their place in the afterlife can be controlled. So control is always present in the mind of someone who is faithful. It’s those who have no faith who feel everything is out of their control, the world is chaotic, happiness is beyond their reach, no one can save them, until they’ve lost site of any sort of direction or reason for existence.

This is why the need for religion is understandable, yet the conflicts amongst various religious groups is laughable.

If you don’t have a strong sense of who you might take it out on others. When I’m onstage telling jokes that I’ve told so many times the reason for humor has escaped me, I tend to lose drive, and I am distracted by anything and everything in my path. Someone texting on their cell phone might inspire a tirade. A heckler might lead me to believe that all audiences are bad. God is simply the ability to know what you want in this world be strong enough (faithful enough, strong minded enough, focused enough) to get it. Sometimes I write a new joke and for me that new joke acts as God for the night, delivering me past any distractions or reason for negativity.

God is simply coal in our fuel tanks, which probably explains why those who are bad on Christmas get coal, so they no longer drift from faith, but rather steam roll and accelerate toward their goals and happiness.

Beheading Video

2010-09-29T05:16:00.000-07:00

BEHEADING VIDEO GONE WRONG!

Terrorism isn't as easy as it looks...

How to Sound Insecure When You’re Trying To Get People To Read Your How-To Article

2010-09-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Hey so I don’t really know much about the subject, but I guess I could maybe give you some dumb advice on how to sound insecure. That’s if you care about what I have to say, which I don’t know why you would. I’m stupid. And I smell bad.

1.) I kind of guess the first step to sounding insecure might be something like adding “I don’t know” to everything you say, but I don’t really have a clue. Am I convincing you yet? Probably not. I’m a nincompoop.

2.) If you’re still reading this poor excuse for an article, I’m so sorry for wasting moments of your life you can never get back. (This isn’t really a tip. I just feel really bad).

3.) Do you think I’m dumb? I don’t believe you. I think you think I’m dumb. It’s ok. I’m pretty dumb.

4.) If you want to sound insecure then maybe you could sort of stare at the ground every time you say anything. Right? Sorry.

5.) Seriously, do you think I’m dumb? I’m not going to believe whatever you say.

Don't Try And Fuck Me

2010-09-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

Two Men. One Bed.

He's Hitler!?!

2010-08-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

New video out about nazis, muffins, and child services...

HE'S HITLER!?!

Man vs. Himself: The Stunning Conclusion

2010-08-27T15:39:00.001-07:00

Man vs. Himself: Episode 5

2010-08-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

Man vs. Himself: Episode 4

2010-08-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Man Vs. Himself: Episode 3

2010-08-04T16:11:00.001-07:00

Man vs. Himself: Episode 2

2010-07-29T22:57:00.001-07:00

2010-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

According to sScienceNews, a product called Mycobond offers the shipping industry an alternative to the packing peanut: a new material made of inedible agricultural waste and mushroom roots. “I’ve been looking to package my fine art and fragile gifts in a compost pile” stated one hippie and no one else. Drug addicts everywhere are now getting stoned from not only receiving packages, but also mailing them. Other Mycobond packing materials include banana peels, rotten tomatoes, and dirt.

According to the sScienceNews article, the fungus-based material takes “one-eighth the energy and one tenth the carbon dioxide of traditional foam packing material,” which allows you to stick your shipping supplies in the compost bin once your package arrives. It also allows you to hold your nose every time you walk near whatever was shipped to you. Not only can you put your packing materials in the compost pile but you can also throw whatever was shipped in there as well.

Winston Churchill’s dentures have been auctioned for 15,200 pounds and awarded to a private collector. Which proves that one can be a winner and loser at the same time. Some speculate Churchill’s jock strap will go for twice as much.

Seventy pensioners, some as old as 90, have been sentenced with Anti-Social Behavior Orders as a result of late-night parties and loud music until the early morning hours at their sheltered housing estate. Those complaining included teenagers everywhere who couldn’t hear their own jacked out car speakers and heavy metal concerts.

The complaints include allegations that a new tenant had been bringing 'outsiders' into the shared common room for late night bingo sessions. “I can barely concentrate on my insomnia and back pain with all that racket,” stated one tenant.

Pfizer plans to sell a children's form of Viagra to reduce high blood pressure and treat a rare lung disorder that affects about 600 kids a year. Guys everywhere are now claiming that they suffer from a lung disorder.

Really starting to get tired of following the news

2010-07-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

A NY mother was arrested on DWI charges after her 12-year-old daughter called 911 from vehicle. “Well that explains why she didn’t want to sit shotgun,” said the mother after being handcuffed. The mother was released on a $2,000 bond and the 12 year old was given a time out for embarrassing mommy in front of the police and Fox News crews.

A wedding photographer in Italy was shot dead after a hunting rifle he asked the bride and groom to pose with accidentally went off...thus giving a whole new meaning to the term "shotgun wedding." Oddly enough their vows were “In sickness and in health, til the sudden death of our photographer makes things really awkward.” “As if wedding planning wasn’t stressful enough,” said the bride, “I needed that like a hole in the head.”

Bullfighting was banned in the province of Catalonia, Spain. Finally, people can go back to wearing red without living in fear.

Catalonia is to a large degree self-ruling and many in Spain see the bullfighting ban as a further bid to stand out from the rest of the country. Catalonia also plans to ban tacos, sombreros, and the use of the prefix “el” before any word.

A 17-month-old Bengal tiger escaped from his owners' truck and is now roaming around Johannesburg, South Africa. Finally, a reason Americans can pay attention to events happening in South Africa. Maybe you deserve to have a tiger loose in your city if you allow people to drive around with a tiger in their truck.

Hey Dirty, Baby I Got Your Money

2010-07-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

Topical Tuesday

2010-07-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

According to a new ranking by Businessweek.com based on data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Louisiana is America's Laziest State. The ranking was provided by Louisiana’s dad who also called the state a “good for nothing.” So if you’re looking for a vacation spot with relaxation, look no further than the oil covered beaches of a hurricane demolished state.

The study explained that Louisianans over the course of a year spend on average 3,285 more minutes sleeping and 9,855 more minutes watching television than the national average. Also noted, the people who took the time to conduct this survey got laid 1 million minutes less than the national average.

Clean-Up Crews for BP Can't Find Crude in the Gulf. I told my boss the same thing when I didn’t want to organize the file cabinet. “Files? What files?” When asked what they thought crude oil looked like, the crew shrugged their shoulders and said “I don’t know. Gross stuff?” In order to find out where the oil is going, BP has decided to ignore warnings and safety measures so they can have another mass spill and hopefully end this frustrating mystery.

In Indiana police busted a counterfeit operation that was targeting drug dealers. In his statement, Jerry Goodin actually said, "We want all the drug dealers to call us...We want to get all of your information and exactly what happened there. We want to see what we can do to try and help you. " That being said, Goodin is also holding a party at his house if any murderers or rapists want to drop in and vent their frustrations about the counterfeiters. "Trust me," he added, "My wife makes a cheesecake that is to die for." Drug dealers are skeptical, but also not sure if it’s the drugs that’s making them paranoid.

A nine-year-old boy was forgotten in a Chicago airport waiting room Saturday for nearly eight hours after an airline representative failed to put him on a connecting flight. The boy was scared about being in an airport alone until he set up a series of booby traps, involving micro machines and paint cans. When asked why the boy wasn’t helped, airline reps explained they were too busy typing extremely fast while staring intensely at their computers. They were also too busy telling breathless men that they couldn’t “go in there” even if the love of their life was leaving on that flight and never coming back.

The NFL is producing a poster for their locker rooms that alerts its players to the effects of concussions. One NFL player who saw the poster immediately quit the NFL, stating, “I didn’t know charging full speed at a 400 lb muscle mass could be dangerous." The NFL also plans to cover their own butts by creating other posters including “dogfighting is a bad thing” and “rape is a no no.” Unfortunately those who are unable to read the concussion poster are too late to learn the message.

Headlines for 7/26

2010-07-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Shopkeepers of Rhinebeck are excited Chelsea Clinton has chosen their town for her wedding, but everyone donating to the event has been asked to take a confidentiality agreement. Bill’s asking this to be especially true for the cigar store.

Mexican television stations are airing complaints and comedy sketches concerning Arizona’s new law which makes it a state crime to be in the country illegally. However, no one is asking why Mexico doesn’t just stop sucking as a place to live.

The city of Minneapolis is cutting down on traffic through a series of bus only lanes, bike paths, and express lane tolls. They’ve also followed Arizona’s lead and cut down on outsiders entering the city.

Wal-Mart is putting electronic identification tags on men's clothing to gain more control of its inventory. The garments will have removable smart tags that can be read from a distance by Wal-Mart workers with scanners. The scanners are also able to tell if the customers are fooling themselves by trying to fit into a certain pair of jeans. Next month Walmart plans to have a ray gun that prevents shoppers from leaving without buying anything.

The group, Consumers Against Supermarket Privacy Invasion and Numbering, is nervous, not only about this new tracking system, but also about the possibility that they’ll have to stick with their ridiculously long name.

A teen in New Zealand is ok after falling 16 stories. The guy he fell on is not ok, however

Man vs. Himself: Episode 1

2010-07-22T04:06:00.001-07:00

Topical

2010-07-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

British drinks company announces new Lady Gaga flavored tea. Early testers say it's easy to become addicted to the tea even though you can't stand anything about it and feel guilty for liking it.

Senate's voting today to extend unemployment benefits. Right now I would kill for a job with a company that finds me expendable.

New books are dealing with fart jokes to get boys to read more. Many young men are turning to careers in sanitation and standup comedy.

New Video From Grandma's Favorite

2010-07-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

The Club

Produced by Grandma's Favorite

Edited by Me

With Jay Nog, Lance Weiss, Joe Larson, Aaron-Kominos Smith, Brendan Fitzgibbons, Cory Jarvis, and myself.

Enjoy...

I am so God Damned Topical

2010-07-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

A 26-year-old Russian artist, Victoria, is claiming to have developed a new artistic form — painting with her breasts. Finally people can appreciate women for their breasts. When reporters arrived to look at the artwork, one painting commented “Um, I’m up here.” Once considered superficial, boob jobs are now seen as a means to artistic expression.

Mel Gibson’s rep denies rumors that the actor is fleeing to Australia as he’s investigated for domestic violence against ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, stating the actor is “focusing on work.” By “work” he means slandering the Jews, driving drunk, and making another movie where he plays a psycho.

A recent study found that students returning from studying abroad have both higher GPAs and higher graduation rates than similar students who stayed home for their entire college careers. Students are now racing down to spend a year in Cancun so as to raise their GPA. However, some students failed exams due to spending so much time on scrap-booking their pictures and talking about how like totally amazing it was to experience another culture.

A beer cooler is credited with saving two men from drowning in the Chesapeake Bay. Unfortunately most of the beer was lost as the men had to send messages in each bottle to attract search parties around the bay. Luckily Sting was there to find each bottle and send out an SOS. In other news, an eight-ball was credited with saving a cokehead from feeling the pavement when he jumped off his roof.

A woman in line at McDonald’s bought a sandwich and stuffed it down her pants, saying her order had been shorted and she deserved a free one. I like free food as much as the next drunk psycho who goes into a South Carolinan McDonald’s and screams obscenities at the employees, but I’m not about to tarnish some perfectly good faux meat between two crumbly, stale, white buns by sticking it down my pants. Authorities say it was the second fastest time a McDonald’s meal has ever made it to someone’s pants. When police questioned her, the woman said that the fast food had simply gone straight to her thighs. Claiming she needed to exercise it off, the woman promptly ran away from the police. The woman was fooled into revealing the stolen food when police asked her to show them her buns and meat curtains.

A Hungarian man was inspired to find a girlfriend after reading Romeo and Juliet. He added that the play also inspired him to kill his future girlfriend’s brother before taking his own life.

To help him with his quest he’s left fliers on 300 balconies with the message “Lonely Romeo looking for his Juliet and a serious relationship.” He also left a couple fliers stating, “Bernie’s furniture store now offering 20% off all items with the purchase of a Hungarian lunatic.” So far he’s received a few phone calls, most of them inquiring if he has Prince Albert in a can.

A man with a bulge under his shirt was detained at Mexico City's airport after authorities found 18 tiny endangered monkeys in pouches attached to his girdle. Another man on the scene allegedly shouted, “That ain’t nothing. You should see the alligator I smuggled in my butthole.” Police figured out what was going on when they offered a banana to his crotch. The record, however, was 19 monkeys so all he won was jail time and several news stories about how much of an idiot he was. Just before authorities arrested the man he said, “Curious Georges, now look what you’ve done.” When asked why he was smuggling monkeys, the man explained that the monkeys were smuggling drugs and he didn’t want them to get in trouble…sort of a Russian doll of drug muling.

Day 3 of Staying Topical

2010-07-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of staying topical...Now I know why it's so hard to be CNN. You have to do a lot of reading and stuff. Anywho...

The Vatican issued new rules to make it easier to discipline priests for sex abuse cases. The discipline involves a spanking behind closed doors done by an alter-boy of their choosing.

John Daly hit the British Open with lavender paisley pants, a peach shirt, and a blue sweater, what he describes as “good luck start pants,” as in “good luck getting laid.” They provide good luck as every other player is too distracted to hit well. To increase his good luck, Daly plans to also wear a bedazzled headdress and clown makeup.

The Norwegian Epic, the 200 foot tall cruise ship, boasts 19 decks, three water slides, the ability to host 4,200 guests, is worth $1 billion…And is shaped like a middle finger for homeless people everywhere. James Cameron is already planning his sequel to Titanic.

The ship also offers three amusement park-quality water slides, a full-sized basketball court, batting cage, 33-foot-high climbing wall, spa, and Fitness Center. So you can do all the things you’ve wanted to do with the added benefit of sea sickness.

A Nestle SA subsidiary has agreed to drop advertising claims that its children’s drink, "BOOST Kid Essentials" prevents colds and flu. They added, “We’re not, however, taking back our statement that our candy bars can beat chicken pox and super villains.”

Getting Topical

2010-07-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to get myself to pay more attention to the news and less attention to myself, I'm going to write a couple topical jokes every day.

In a newly released tape, Mel Gibson reportedly told his girlfriend “You need an f-ing bat in the side of the head.” His girlfriend replied “I’m getting too old for this shit” and the two laughed while shooting up bad guys. Then the Jews ruined everything.

Switzerland refused to extradite Roman Polanski to the US. The US replied by refusing to know anything about Switzerland except for its cheese and army knives.

A US appeals court recently struck down the FCC’s indecency rule. What is the world coming to when the mother-fucking indecency rule is overturned? Puritans everywhere were outraged. Janet Jackson’s already getting her wardrobe ready.

The doctor behind the famous Octomom disaster was recently caught implanting 7 embryos in another lady. He was reportedly trying to build a human centipede inside of her. I can't even get a woman to let me implant 1 embryo in her, let alone a royal flush.

Scientist, Erik Verlinde, claims that gravity is merely an illusion. He discovered this theory after falling out of a tree while reaching for an apple.

Marley & Me: The Twilight Years

2010-07-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Shot a video with my new group, "Grandma's Favorite."

For more of our stuff, check out www.youtube.com/user/GrandmasFavoriteNYC

Marley & Me: The Twilight Years

The Case of the Harlot Shore Nets

2010-05-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

New Funny Cakes Video: The Case of the Harlot Shore Nets...

Producers: Funny Cakes

Director of Photography: Satra Wasserman
Editor: Dan Hirshon

Micah Sherman as Himself
Joe List as Himself
Dan Hirshon as Himself

The Checkspot

2010-02-23T13:34:00.000-08:00

Here's a link to the podcast I did with the guys from The Checkspot. I did a lot of giggling. It was pretty awesome.

http://thecheckspot.com/2010/02/20/the-check-spot-22010--sean-crespo-and-dan-hirshon.aspx?ref=rss?results=1#SurveyResultsChart

The Pitch

2009-12-28T12:17:00.001-08:00

Movie Quotes

2009-12-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

Awesome Database Security Contest Submission Video

2009-12-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Brothers Present...

2009-11-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

A Reason To Live

2009-09-27T12:50:00.001-07:00

Wine!

2009-08-03T08:46:00.001-07:00

How To Run A Bachelor Party Into The Ground

2009-07-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

Haunted: Dead or Alive

Fighting Depression 101

2009-07-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

Another Reason To Live

How To Window Shop Incorrectly

2009-07-08T23:01:00.001-07:00

Old Man & Eggs
Old Man and Eggs

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Short Films | Funny Animations

Dear Dan

2009-06-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

ONLINE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

DEAR DAN: My friend, John Legostein (his Jewish dad invented Legos and he’s made up), hates myspace and facebook because high school acquaintances he never wanted to see again are finding him. What would you do if you were he?
- HOPSCOTCH CHAMPION IN CHATANOOGA

DEAR HOPSCOTCH CHAMPION: I don’t care who finds me. If someone I’ve never met adds me I’ll confirm the shit out of it. “Oh you’re a sixty five year old from Wyoming who likes the look of my profile? Welcome to my top 8, friendo.”

The only reason I would hate it if old acquaintances were finding me would be if I were still getting bullied online?

“Eddy Henderson has poked you… and punched you… and called you “pubic head” while sending spitballs at your face as you visit your locker before 9th period social studies class. Check it out!”

“You’ve been laughed at by Jen Garrett and the rest of the cheerleaders. Want to return the humiliation?”

Jason Marko is asking if you want to add the “You’re a faggot” application. Confirm? Ignore? Go cry in the bathroom stall and hide there until all the busses have left?

Also Hopscotch, Sorry we couldn't meet up last night. I got back from Bethlehem, PA late last night and ended up watching the end of Milk. You were right. He does die in the end, but what you forgot to mention was that he was gay the whole time. Talk about a surprise twist and shout (that's how gay people say "surprise twist." Watch the movie again, you'll see).

How To Blow It With A Girl: Step 45

2009-06-02T11:32:00.001-07:00

I Got Laid
I Got Laid

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Extreme Humor | Sexy Comedy

I Got Laid

Shared via AddThis

85 Things To Include On Your To-Do List

2009-05-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Big fan of “to do” lists?

Success Step 1: Make sure to make long to do lists so it feels like you're accomplishing something all the time.
Once you “take a nap” then you’ve done enough for the day and can take another nap.

Success Step 2: Be an accomplisher not a belly itcher.

Some people worry that they're including too many “to dos.” They'll check off 20 things on their "100 things to do" but at the end of day realize they forgot to “sign up for health insurance” because they were busy checking off “eat apple” and "watch youTube clips."

Forget those people. As we all know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away so you don't have to worry about health insurance. These things will work themselves out in the end. You're welcome.

How To Ruin a Movie For Someone

2009-05-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Check out Funnycakes' latest video at atom.com and let us know what you think...

Movie Day

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Cinematic Comedy | Funny Animations

16 Ways To Ruin A Complement

2009-05-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

Are you insulted someone would complement you?
Complements drive us awkward people insane. Not like breathe fire out the ears insane. Just like hunch over and stare at the floor insane.

Why?

Complements never seem as personal as insults.

True Story:
Anyone could say, “I like your eyes” or “your hair looks nice” but it seems like a person puts real thought into saying, “Your breath smells like my asshole after a weekend at Taco Bell.”

Most people don’t want to be mean or confrontational without being funny so they take time out of their day to script something strong if they’re going to make fun of you.

Success Step 1:
If you’re ever insulted, just say, "thank you for thinking of me."

I know I appreciate insults more than complements. Also, my self-esteem might have something to do with it.

How To Lose Listenership

2009-04-19T04:59:00.000-07:00

Below is a WHUH Static Radio guide to gaining listenership for your community college radio station...

Step 1: Introduce Yourself. The Worst That Can Happen Is You'll Hate Everyone

Step 2: Familiarize Yourself With Your Surroundings So You Can Ambush Burglers

Step 3: Burn Bridges

How To Bomb Without Grace

2009-03-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

Sexy Seniors

How To Film The Perfect Comedy Special

2009-03-10T12:54:00.001-07:00

Ever watch a televised comedy special where the comic mentions black people before the cameras cut to black people in the audience. Black people get enough TV airtime, am I right Eskimos?

Then the comic talks about women with big breasts and the cameras cut to women with big breasts.

Comics wonder why audiences are afraid they’re going to get made fun of at comedy shows. Maybe it’s because the cameras are singling out people more than the comics.

“And what about these women who throw up in the bathroom…” Cut to a six-year old girl with a stomach virus.

“Or these sexy bloggers...” Cut to me.

“Or these pedophiles who go to comedy shows...” Cut to a guy holding stomach virus girl on his lap. He might be enjoying the joke then, but what happens when the recorded special comes out on DVD and he sees the cameras cut to him? That won’t be comfortable. We should be making our pedophiles feel special. They take the time to make our kids feel special. It’s our duty to give back.

How To Become a Scientologist

2009-03-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming a Scientologist.

Scientology is one of those words that must be pronounced with the sound of laughter behind it, otherwise it has been mispronounced.

Last night, while moping around Harvard Sq., I stopped off and took a "Free" outdoor stress test.

Fun Fact: Never take a stress test when you're depressed. You will end up buying every product they're offering.

"You're right, I do feel a bit depressed. I could most definitely use that self-help guide. AND there's a supplemental CD for my listening pleasure? Sign me up."

"You have group meetings and costly psychological visits? How did you know that's what I needed?"

The stress test works as follows: You sit outside the Harvard Sq. T station, located in between two lanes of oncoming traffic. Meanwhile, heroin and coke addicts stumble by, mumbling to no one in particular, with an occasional scream for good measure. If you're not stressed from just sitting there, then you probably don't have a pulse.

While remaining seated, you hold two hollow metal rods in your palms. Each is wired into a Fisher price looking machine that you know is complete bullshit. While you ponder how long you have to sit there to remain polite, the guy asks you to tell him things you find stressful. Then the machine moves.

He says, "what's stressing you these days?"

And I say, "girls."

Then the meter arrow moves and he says, "see that? It moved. It means girls stress you out."

Yea, that's what I just told you. Thanks for analyzing and repeating the words coming from my mouth.

Then he asks me to get into my emotions and how I feel about girls. And I say, "Frustration, depression."

And the meter moves again. And he says, "see depression seems to be stressing you out."

"What kind of research did you have to do to discover that? The magic of scientology."

"Don't tell me stress is stressing me out. That's too much to handle. It stresses me out thinking about the extra stress that stress buildup ensues, caking onto my stressful stress. I have to buy another DVD to help it back down.

The next thing he said was "we have a book here on Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. It's good for people who have stress in their lives. You should get one." So it's good for everyone.

And I say, "that is the stupidest argument for a book. Everyone gets stressed out...of course I'll buy the book. What else do you have? A DVD? I'd love one, unless you have the box set, then I'm sold."

The book is 1,000 pages. I can't read more than 10 pages at a time, but for some reason I thought I could read a 1,000 page book. It looks more like a science fiction novel then a fact based self-help guide. There's a volcano erupting on the front and it says, "Bestseller."

They kept selling it as "This is sold in 50 languages and 200 countries." Like I'm gonna be like "Ok now I'll buy it. If people speaking Swahili are reading this then it must be good. I took French for 7 years and learned nothing, but the fact that there's a possibility of me reading this in French is very moving."

They defined several words in the footnotes to help you feel retarded. Some of the definitions were suspect:

Sir Isaac Newton was defined as an "idiot head."

Point is, get a book on Dianetics.

Global Shwarming My Dick Straw

2009-03-08T10:03:00.001-07:00

My friend, P.J. Darko (Donnie's cousin), told me "some science shows the earth’s climate is shifting despite what we do and those shifts affect the earth much more than anything we control so all this hype about global warming is overblown."

Even if talk of global warming were all an excuse to stop pollution, why wouldn’t you be in favor of that?
“That power plant is so beautiful. Why would we end that over some theory about the world’s destruction? Don’t believe the bullshit. Who doesn’t love garbage pileups and spending too much on gas so our cars can fog up the air and make it harder for us to see and breathe? I love depending on resources from the Middle East where clearly there’s no conflict.”

On the other hand, some environmentalists are looking for scapegoats. Many of them are down on the Hummer because it’s supposedly a gas-guzzlers.
Personally, I don’t hate Hummers, just the people who drive them.
I do support the Hummer as a means of job security and think we should be given tanks.
“You’re firing me? No fuck that. I’ll go Tiananmen Square on your ass!”
“What happened to Larry? He was so nice when he was working in accounting.”
“After Citibank fired him the US military let him purchase weapons of mass destruction it kind of went to his head.”
More tanks, less layoffs. No one gets fired if their boss is afraid of a full blown military attack.

The best are Stretch Hummers, for anyone looking to flick off a global warming scientist.
“Oh the earth is going to die if we don’t take care of it? Fuck you. This bachelorette party requested an extra obnoxious waste of space to help them make their presence known before they run around screaming with dick straws. Everything has a purpose. You say potato, I say I could care less if the icecaps melt and drown us all. I need attention.”

Low self-esteem

2009-03-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

Having low self-esteem is like pushing a forklift.

The whole time you’re like, “man this thing is heavy. I'm so stupid.”

And everyone else is like, “why are you pushing a forklift? Why don’t you just believe in yourself and sit down in the forklift so you can accomplish something around here?"

Then some girl is like, "I was going to fuck you but then I saw that you were pushing the forklift and I was like, ‘that guy is too weird and insecure to fuck.' So now I'm just gonna fuck the guy that rides the forklift."

And you're like, "You're gonna fuck that guy? But his job is to drive forklifts. How is it that the losers always get the girls? I'm working my ass off and that tool gets the girl."

Dancing with the Devil

2009-03-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

While visiting my mom I watched “Dancing with the stars” for the first time. I was surprised at how easily it draws you in and makes you want to watch more, though still gets you to hate yourself the whole time you’re watching it. It’s not like heroin or coke because it doesn’t give you a high, doesn’t help you make friends or make you cool at a party, though it does kill all your time and leave you needing therapy and rehab.

The show is just editing. Pure editing. They’re taking out the boring stuff, removing what people don’t want to see and showing you made up garbage.

In the past it was writers. It was creation. It was people coming up with witticisms and new ideas and satirical voices and challenging conventions.

Now it’s “let someone blab on forever and censor them until it’s watchable.”

Before it was create characters that mimic the idiots we have to live with, applaud the actors and comics who capture those characteristics so well, and congratulate the performers who understand people so well that they can imitate them with a sense of humor.

Now we just take the actual idiots and let them talk for as long as they want and we applaud the fact that they have no people skills. All the assholes we once made fun of, they now have their own shows, and clothing lines, and perfumes, and name brands.

Who’s at fault: the producers who take advantage of the dunces on camera and the average viewer who likes watching dunces…

Or the sluts of shows like Real Life Housewives and every other show about cunty women who get their way…

Or is it the cunty women who like watching this garbage because they like to watch other cunts get their way…

Or is it the dickhead husbands who are drinking in the bar, completely oblivious to the fact comedy is dying on television because they’re too busy hitting on the drunk sluts passing out in the corner.

The Mechanics of Fucking With Me

2009-02-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

I spent $540 on a new gas pump for my car on Friday. I have no idea what a gas pump does or why I need it.
My mechanic could sell me anything and I’d have to buy it as long as I need transportation.

“Yea, the scuttlebucket’s busted.”
“The scuttlebucket?”
“Yea, you can’t drive without that thing. That’s what buckets your scuttle.”
“How much does it cost to fix?”
“Well I’m gonna have to brutally rape you in front of your friends and peers.”
“Hmm… I don’t really have that kind of time or energy.”
“Well you can’t drive the car without the scuttlebucket.”
“Alright, I guess I’ll come by Tuesday as long as you can promise me a warranty that I won’t need to get raped for another five months.”
“Four months.”
“This never used to happen when I had a Honda.”

I don't know if I could pull that off. Even if I was told to make up things at my job for people to buy I wouldn't have the confidence to back it up.

“Hi, and welcome to K-mart. I’m sorry sir, but you can’t enter unless you have a K-mart titanium body suit.”
“Get bent Jew face!”
“Good point. Enjoy your shopping time.”

Tears About Heaven

2009-02-21T06:47:00.000-08:00

I’m afraid heaven’s going to be like a high school reunion. I get to the clouds and people I never wanted to see again say, “Oh, it’s been so long. What’d you end up doing with your life?”
“Um, I was a temp for awhile and then I thought it’d be a good idea to try cliff diving.”
“That’s it? Who let you in here?”
But I feel better when I see the quarterback who arrived in a totaled Porsche and a heap of Coors Light empties and the Goth kids who came up early with razors and a bathtub.

Then the school shooter arrives and the bullies are like, “Hey needle dick, remember how much we beat you up in gym class? That’s nothing compared to what we’re gonna do to you now we have bullets in our faces. You know how hard it is to get laid up here with a bullet in your face?”

The worst would be to die in an office shooting cause then you have to go to heaven with everyone from work.
“Seriously, guys we’re not in the office anymore. Can’t we find something else to talk about besides the Monthly Totals? I hope I’m getting paid overtime for this.”
Your boss is waiting. “You’re late! Did you get the memo? We’re meeting at 4pm on cloud nine.”
“Wait… is this hell?”
“Hell? How could it be hell? Every day is casual Friday up here.”
Then I go and stare at the cute girl from the cubicle next to me, while God’s like, “this is heaven. You can have anyone you want. That guy bombed a temple and he’s sleeping with 72 virgins.”
And I'm like, "Look, I know I never talked to her while I was alive. This is my chance to start over."

Hell seems a bit far-fetched though. No place can be that hot all the time. The pyrotechnics and state of the art heaters alone would cost a fortune. Plus the landlord sounds like a dick.

Naps: Man's Best Friend

2009-02-07T06:28:00.000-08:00

My friends often ask, “How come you’re tired all the time? How can you take so many naps?”
Because it’s easier to say I’m tired than depressed.
If you’re tired people think, “What a bum.”
But if you say you’re depressed people think, “how do I get out of this conversation without it being awkward?”

I picked the wrong species to be.

Every animal I see at the zoo is in the middle of a nap. People still go to the zoo.

Bears get to sleep all winter and no one’s like “I don’t care if it has seasonal depression. What a lazy piece of shit.” Instead, People are scared of bears. I’d love to take a nap, wake up, and have people scared of me. “Dan, sorry to disturb your hibernation. It’s just that you owe for four months of rent and electric bills, but you know what, I’ll cover it. Just don’t maul me.”

The caterpillar slugs around, puts up with that shit, takes a nap, and wakes up as a butterfly, a way better creature. It went to sleep as Slingblade and woke up as Batman. It’s like She’s All That except instead of a new wardrobe you just take a nap in a tiny bedroom. Naps aren’t bad. We’re just forgetting a cocoon.

I wish I could wake up with the ability to fly.
“Hey did you hear about Hirshon?”
“Hirshon-Nap Hirshon?”
“Yea, things are looking up for him. He’s got wings now.”
“How’d he get those?”
“Took a power nap.”
“Man, that guy was right all along about naps.”
“Yea, and he has eyes that shoot lasers.”
“How come?”
“Because he never gets laid.”
“What a hero.”

Don’t be down on naps. They’re not a sign of laziness. They’re a chance to fl… (Blog not finished due to nap).

I Won 8 Olympic Gold Medals But Then I Got High

2009-02-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

Michael Phelps is catching flack for smoking pot.
He's been smoking pot for awhile, but everyone thought he had chlorine in his eyes.
“Is he on acid or just practicing the back stroke midair?”
“Is he on crack or does he always wear a speedo?”

The guy won 8 Olympic gold medals. What else do we want from him?

People say he shouldn't have done it because he's a role model and that sends the wrong message. That doesn’t send the wrong message. That should be the message: win 8 gold medals, make $40 million from endorsements, appear on Saturday Night Live and the Wheaties box… Then relax however you want. You’ve earned it.

If he was caught smoking pot five seconds before he won the 8 Olympic races that might send a deceiving message to aspiring Olympic swimmers that pot makes you swim faster, but if you fall for that old gag then you deserve to lose in the Olympics.

It'd be a worse message if he was caught on camera not having fun. "Look kids, you can win 8 olympic gold medals and still be miserable. Just give up."

The only message that would’ve been better would be if he’d smoked from a water bong? “Swimmers, don’t smoke pot. But if you do, at least stay in the water.”

If you see something, try porn.

2009-02-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

The New York City subway has a policy to stop crime and terrorism: "If you see something, say something."

The problem is I'm always taking naps on the subway so all I see is dreams. I report them though. I'm a samaritan like that.

I slap the emergency button, stop the subway, jump off, grab a security guard and say, “I just got laid” because even in my dreams that’s a pretty big deal.

I think about sex too much.

One reason I have trouble conversing with women is because I’m thinking about sex the whole time.
“What can I say to lead this to sex?”
Usually I choose the wrong thing to say.

Thus why I should work in the porn industry. Besides the fact I’ve watched so much porn I can write and direct it at this point, working in porn would be good for other aspects of my life:

1.) I wouldn’t think about sex as much at night because I wouldn’t want to take my job home with me after working on it 9-5 every day.

2.) My weekends would be freed up since I wouldn’t waste so much time trying to get laid.

3.) And most importantly I could focus on the more important things in life, like macramé and my attempt to get my name in the Guinness Book of World Records (most bagels eaten in a week).

So porn, here I come…on your face.

Limo Liner

2009-01-19T07:59:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I lost my car keys in my parents’ house. If you ever want to hate everyone you talk to then lose your keys.
“Yea, I fucking checked my backpack 17 times! Don’t tell me to look again.”
“No, they’re not in the ignition. Stay out of this grandma. You’re not helping.”

Since I wanted to get home sooner than later I decided to treat myself to a trip down to New York on the limo liner bus.

When you get on a limo liner, you expect a lot for your $89. That’s worth approximately 6 Chinatown bus trips. For this much money I could have my bus break down six times on the high way because the driver was talking on his cell phone while doing 90 miles an hour in the breakdown lane with no permit, registration, or gas.

The good part about the limo liner, in addition to a complementary bagel and free viewing of Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End, is that you don’t risk decapitation on a Greyhound and having your body eaten while you’re asleep. If I’m going to be murdered, it’s going to be in luxury.

We also have Wifi on here, which means I’ve checked email 80 times. Whenever I check my email I never have new messages. I should check to see if I have other things, like depression and a pitiful sex life. Then that wouldn’t show up so much. After that I should stop checking to see if I have my car keys and when they magically reappear I’ll drive home in the Ferrari I didn’t check to see if I had.

Karma & Lies

2009-01-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

I told my friend, “my windshield needs to be replaced and insurance doesn’t cover it.”

And he said, “Here’s the secret for fixing that…” which I thought was the introduction to a wholesome idea... like if I mixed crazy glue with happiness then I could seal the crack forever.

Instead…

He told me to call one of those truck companies that carry salt or rocks and say, “I was driving behind your truck. Something flew off the top of it and cracked my windshield,” and they’ll replace my windshield for free without question because that happens so much.

Here’s why this wouldn’t work for me.

1.) Karma affects me more than most, probably because I assume everything relates to Karma.
“There’s no milk for my Corn Flakes? Thanks a lot karma.”
“The economy’s bad? It's because I lied to the salt delivery company.”

2.) I’m a terrible liar because I don’t have the confidence to stand by my lie. If I called the salt delivery company I’d be the first person in history they’d know was lying.
“Judging by the crack in your windshield I can tell you didn’t come anywhere near a salt truck and since we can prove this in a court of law, we’re going to sue and arrest you for fraud.”
“You’re absolutely right and I’m wrong about everything.”

Then because of karma I’d get the maximum sentence and be someone’s bitch within ten minutes because I don’t know how to lie.
“What are you in here for?”
“Um, kind of a long story, but basically I was murdering my friend for telling me I should call the salt truck company and…”
“You’re my bitch.”
“But I don’t have time to be your bitch. I have a doctor’s appointment at 4 and then…”
“You just bought yourself another butt raping my friend.”

New Video

2008-08-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Got to be a part of this a couple weeks ago. Enjoy:

ER

2008-08-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Chilled in the hospital ER yesterday.

I'd never been to one. Before now I imagined Emergency rooms looked like someone was filming a sequel to "Carrie" and the only way in was if you were hemorrhaging from the face.

There must be a "seriously this is an emergency" emergency room because people didn't seem that sick where I was.

I couldn't believe I got in. "Oh, you find it inconvenient to wait for a doctor's appointment? Sounds like an emergency. Come on in and sit with some of the most ridiculous people."

There was a guy there who was hitting on a girl two seats down from him. That's really where I'd go to hit on someone. "You got syphilis? Me too. Small world. I bet we have a lot in common. Do you also like to have sex with creepy guys you meet in the ER?"

Some people probably weren't even that sick to begin with, but got sick waiting in the emergency room. My nurse who looked sicker than anyone there. He must've been employed just to infect people in case they weren't sick enough to stay.

When I sat down all he said was "what?" He looked too tired to say anything else: the perfect person to treat me.

I assumed he wanted to know my ailments. I told him everything I could think of. For some reason I always feel like I need to impress the doctor with my fucked up diseases, like he'll be like "wow, how do you cope with that? Have a lollipop and a certificate, my wacky friend."

My nurse wasn't impressed. He just nodded.

Then, while looking at my driver's license, he said, "how do you spell your last name?"

1.) My last name is spelled the same way it appears in bold font on my driver's license.
2.) Every race, color, and creed can be found in a New York ER, yet "Hirshon" is the name that throws him.

If you have a problem reading words, maybe you shouldn't be working in a hospital. That handicap tends to cause problems.

Three hours later I got my own room for more waiting. I knew I'd miss sitting next to the skinhead with the "Kathy" neck tattoo, but was happy to get a chance to lie on one of the world's most uncomfortable patient beds. If you like a mattress made out of 2x4s covered in dirty leather and wax paper then heaven has a place for you in the ER.

Turns out I'm sick. Thank god. I was going to be pissed if I wasn't.

Getting better.

Mono and a Movie

2008-08-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm pretty sure I have mono again, although on the plus side I think I can blame it on a girl this time. Things are going well for this guy, or were going well before I became a shut-in for the next month and a half.

Having mono is like being too tired to come up with a simile. First your throat hurts, then you give up on the simile.

I've been watching a lot of movies. Here are some quick reviews followed by what I actually thought of them:

Smoking Aces – If you like watching a ton of famous actors join together to make a sometimes incomprehensible film, then watch smoking aces. Also, there was a lot of killing. Now available for free on the internet. (Good)

Punchline – It was almost as bad as the first time I watched it, except this time I felt sick for other reasons. (Bad)

Lucky Number Slevin – Morgan Freeman plays a calm, black man. Ben Kingsley plays a calm, Jew. Can life get better? How bout you add Lucy Lui playing the part of a sexy Asian, Josh Hartnett playing the part of a clueless white boy, and Bruce Willis playing an action hero. Never have so many already established characters come together to make one movie. I give it one ear infection and a sleepless night (really good).

Semi-Pro – A lot of people were afraid this would just be another movie where Will Ferrell acts ridiculous and yells a lot. Lucky for me, I was hoping for that, and it delivered. I give it a thumb up (I ran out of mono references) (good).

In Bruges – You might not have heard much about this one, but if you like Colin Ferrell getting shot, then this might be the movie for you. I'm not going to give away the ending, but lets just say it rhymes with "bollin barrell gets shot." It's funny, poignant, and intense, kind of like Semi-Pro, except nope (really good).

Sid and Nancy – It's wierd watching a movie about heroin junkies who go out of their minds and wind up dead, when you're alone in your room, dizzy, aching, and wishing you were on drugs, but at the same time I really liked Gary Oldman in The Professional and have decided to like him in every other film he's ever made (good).

Lars and the Real Girl – Guess who's even more awkward around women than I am? It's not nobody silly. It's Lars, and he has a new girlfriend, a plastic doll. When my brother told me about this I didn't think it would be good. Then it was good. Don't worry, I still don't trust my brother, but you should. He makes inexpensive and efficient websites. Give him a call if you're interested (really good, but not as good as my brother's websites).

In addition to watching movies, I've also been moaning and standing up to moan. Not sure which I like more.

Clearly I'm bored right now so let me know how you're doing.

Also, enjoyed this:

Resume builder

2008-08-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

My friend told me that employers often read the blogs of potential employees to judge character and make sure they're not writing anything inappropriate. With this in mind I've decided to improve my online image and blog language.

Last Sunday I took the initiative to apply for a local eating contest. Determined and persistent, I looked forward to the opportunity to perform. With my seven years of public speaking experience I felt confident appearing before a crowd of co-workers and displaying one of my many skills: the efficient disposal of hamburgers. In addition to Excel and Word I am very advanced when it comes to hamburger disposal.

As I have a background in project management I was able to effectively approach the objective: to eat as many burgers as possible in five minutes.

Much like my two years working as a customer service representative at one of the world's largest life insurance providers I was able to collaborate with a team of masticating specialists to complete the task at hand. Paying close attention to detail I made sure not to leave any remaining traces of beef or bun behind. This ensured that I maintained a sound budget. Also I like free food.

In five years I see myself as someone who is entering local eating contests on a regular basis. I don't have a job, but enjoy eating and public humiliation making this a symbiotic relationship.

"And in last place: Dan Hirshon, with two hot dogs and a little bit of coleslaw."

Below is video footage of my casual and relaxing defeat followed by the big guy who wins it all.

The Lost Lumiere Bros.

2008-03-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

A couple months ago I made a film with some funny people.

Spoiler Alert: I get hit in the head with a hammer.

Last Comic Standing

2008-03-03T11:23:00.000-08:00

My original reason for waiting in line at Last Comic Standing's open call was to meet other comics living in NYC. After an hour on the street I realized that besides some comics from Boston and others I already knew from NY, most everyone else had done comedy for about 6 months to never. One woman seemed to have a place in line simply because that's where she normally lived anyway.   

11pm: I first arrive at Gotham Comedy Club. I don't plan to stay. There's already about 130 waiting in line around the corner and down the block. Danny Kelly, who's been waiting since 7pm, is 90 according to a list one of the "comics" drafted. Cory Rodriguez, Kris Norton, Orlando Baxter, Corey Manning, and Martin are waiting in the 100's.   Apparently, some have been waiting since midnight the night before. I'm told this is nothing compared to the American Idol auditions where people wait for a week.   

12 am: Realizing it's not hard to cut in line I decide to stay…as long as it doesn't rain. I'm not even sure I'll get to audition since they supposedly only take the first 125 or so.   A guy and his friend (who's just there for moral support) sleep behind me in a tent.

  1 am: It starts raining. I borrow a trash bag from Kris, cut a hole for the head and proceed to look ridiculous.

  Cory R, also wearing a trash bag, goes to a convenient store. A homeless guy offers Cory a beer, saying, "We gots to look out for each other."  

Throughout the night passersby ask why we're in line.  "Last Comic Standing." "Who?" "Why are you in line?" "We're waiting for bread rations."  At one point a lady asks and Cory R. responds: "American Gangster, they're making another one…you know American Gangster? It's like American Idol…with the singing? Basically…you've read the Harry Potter books right?"  Confused, the lady leaves and we laugh at her. Then we realize we're wearing trash bags in the rain at 1:30 am and we return to shivering.

  4 am: I leave to sleep in Kris's car for two hours. Wake up feeling much worse than before.   6 am: People come off the train for work. By now I look thoroughly homeless.  

 8:30 am: Bill Belamy appears with his crew and they film us pretending to be excited about waiting for the past 12 hours. I think there are about 400 people in line by now. The guy in front of me is a Rodney Dangerfield impersonator with a bright blue "Dumb and Dumber" suit. Five behind me is a 50 Cent look alike who's missing half of his teeth. My chances are slim.  

 10 am: I enter a confession booth. There's four other comics in the room listening to my "private confession." A production assistant asks me why I'm funny, if I do impressions, and why I should be the last comic standing. I say the word "hilarious" about 25 times (and I think I also allude to possibly committing suicide if I don't get picked) before the guy says "alright, next."

  10:30 am: I return to line. They tell me I'm not getting a stage audition but that I will have five minutes to show myself and see if the producers like my look. I laugh (and cry on the inside).  

10:50 am: I enter Gotham with four other comics. We stand in a semi-circle around a hipster PA, who's wearing an Ivy league scarf and a GAP headset, and checking his cell phone every five seconds. I feel like I'm auditioning for In Sync.   Whenever the PA points at us we're expected to tell a joke. He doesn't go in any particular order. Instead he just points randomly like we're in the comedy lightning round. Cutting us off mid joke, he doesn't seem to be listening, just smirking and looking for anyone crazy enough to be "Best of the Worst."   After 1½ jokes I'm done.

  11:05 am: I get two free hot dogs that better resemble Bic pens. The free food and the reason to write a blog made it all worth it.

There were over 500 people waiting to audition. They ended up allowing everyone to "audition" but only the first few visited the confession booth.

It’s Confirmed: My New Phone Receives Text Messages

2008-02-22T11:36:00.000-08:00

Life Tip: If you ever need a cell phone, go to Radioshack. Not only will they insult you, but they'll also try to sell you everything in their store. It's awesome.

Also, bring my friend, Joe with you. He'll help them pressure you to buy extra appliances and then text you a picture of his dick while you're looking over your phone with the salesman.

I was looking through the cell phones, about to take one when a salesperson arrived.
"Can I help you?"
"I'd like to buy a cell phone."
"Oh yea, you need a new phone. Your old one's a mess."
"Thank you."
"Yea, a hard working guy like you deserves something better."
"I'm not hard working. I'm unemployed. That's why I'm getting the free phone." But thanks for the unnecessary insincere flattery. Why not just say, "Yea, a guy like you with big balls and the cock of a bad ass motherfucker deserves it."

I take the phone.
He says "Yea, that's a good choice. You're gonna like that phone. That's a nice phone."
Am I'm getting screwed. Why is he trying to sell me the phone that I already picked?
"Yea, you're an awesome person for picking out such a deliciously fantas-great cellular unit. You're probably going to be swimming in bitches and Benjamins now."

Then he tries to sell me more shit:
"Now, once I'm done setting up your phone I'm going to talk to you about these special offers we have on the blue tooth and phone case."
"That's ok, all I want is the phone."
"You don't want the blue tooth or the case. Are you sure? You're missing out on a very special offer. Are you familiar with the blue tooth?"
"Yea, I don't want it."

Meanwhile, Joe is next to me saying, "Really? You're not gonna get the blue tooth? How could you not get the blue tooth? It's a great deal."
"Joe, shut the fuck up."
But now the salesman's encouraged to go on.
"Are you sure because with this purchase I can get you 20% off the blue tooth and 10% off the phone case."
"Yea, I don't need that stuff."
"Are you sure because…"
"Yea, I'm unemployed. I have to save money."
"Are you sure, cause you could put this stuff on credit, pay it off in installments."
"That's ok. I have no credit."
"Really? You have no credit. Want to apply for a Radioshack credit card?"
(The actual argument went on longer but I'm tired of typing)
"Please, can you just give me this phone?" My head is in my hands.
"Alright, but if you change your mind, remember we also have this Radioshack credit card. You can get 10% off your first purchase. It offers some really great deals. There's no monthly fees or cancellation fee."
(I ended up getting a Radioshack credit card. I don't know why either.)

Then he shows me the AT&T plan and he says, "You know, for only $15 a month you could receive 1500 text messages."
Does he even get a commission on that? Doesn't that have to do with AT&T?
I'm waiting for him to say, "Yea, but if you buy Velveeta, it's much better than cheddar. And if you buy a new Honda Hybrid you'll be happy with the mileage you get. You should sponsor a tiger at the zoo. Then you can visit it in the cage, and it's fun."

All of sudden he's like, "Oh, it looks like you have a text message. Let's figure out how to read it." He presses buttons. "Oh, here it is. Oh, um, here you go."
And that's when I see a picture of Joe standing naked with his erect dick. I look up and Joe is at the other end of the store waving with a big smile.

Just as a frame of reference: Joe was in the store the whole time. He didn't run out, get hard, and take the picture. He just has this picture, among others of his dick, that he sends out and looks at whenever he's alone.

The weird part was that didn't stop the salesman from trying to sell me more shit. He continued to see if I wanted to purchase batteries. You'd think after you see a picture of someone's dick you'd stop selling, but no.

And that's the story of how Havier came to be employee of the month.

I've said too much

2007-07-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

Apparently the world can't stress this enough…I'm awkward.

The other day I was carrying a Netflix package to the mailbox. Some girls were walking behind me and one randomly shouted, "YEEAAAH NETFLIX…WHAOOH!"

Normally I wouldn't have said anything because I'm scared of social interaction and people, but because I'd touched a boob the night before, I was feeling confident and friendly…so I turned around and answered, "Yep, Netflix, it's pretty good stuff."
Of course, all of the girls were silent then…like I was the crazy one.

But when I turned back around to walk away, the same girl as before said, "YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO BLOCKBUSTER."
Not having learned my lesson the first time, I turned around again and asked, "Really you think I should switch to Blockbuster? I kind of like Netflix. It's cheap and very convenient…" at which point I felt awkward so I added, "I don't know why I'm advertising Netflix to you randomly on the street…" at which point I trailed off and turned back around.
From behind me I could hear the girl say, "Let's just cross the street now."

Which goes to show…if a crazy person talks to you, don't talk back…you're just going to seem even crazier in the long run. (See Mike Birbiglia's joke on moving in for a shorter and better example of this)

* * * * * *

I had a dream last night where I was trying to tell that Netflix story as a joke to an audience. I think it was in New Hampshire because I wasn't having fun. Also, a guy was leading a kangaroo around the room and I was at the center of a circus ring with six people in the audience sitting on opposite sides of the room, so it was clearly New Hampshire.

I started the story by asking, "Do you know about Netflix?" to this guy in the audience…and some lady behind me yells to her drunken friend, "Why is he explaining the jokes so much?" And then I think the dream ended where I called the lady a bitch and quickly got the audience to hate me.

The problem is that I don't know how to benefit from my dreams. In the movie, "A Christmas Carol," Ebenezer Scrooge has a dream where someone tells him to change, he has an epiphany, wakes up and gives a turkey to Tiny Tim. My New Hampshire dream is probably an example of that, but instead of waking up and having an epiphany, I just woke up and said, "Well that was a weird dream. Oh, it's only 7 in the morning…back to bed." Just a tip, if someone in your dream tells you to "stop over-explaining jokes," don't wake up and write a blog where you over-explain the entire subject. You will end up spending too long editing the blog and leave feeling unfullfilled.

Hostile toward Hostel...Heyo still!

2007-06-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

I heard that Hostel II makes first Hostel look like a children's movie. Take that Hostel I.

In the first Hostel a girl's eyeball hangs out of the socket, a guy has his head chopped off, and another guy has his ankles sliced open before the rest of his body is gutted and sewed shut...they obviously stole the script from Toy Story.

I guess to top the first movie Hostel II must have an executioner reach through someone's mouth, pull out their entire skeletal structure, then carve a Christmas tree shaped hole in the body with a chain saw, insert an actual Christmas tree, turn on the lights, and electrocute the boneless corpse. It'll be like the game, "Operation," except instead of tweezering out fake organs from Rudolph the red nose cartoon nudist, you're supplanting a 7-foot, pine covered taser.

I don't understand why gore movies are so popular anyway. Comedies are meant to make us laugh, good dramas are meant to make us think, gore is meant to gross us out.

"I'm not in the mood to laugh and be happy, I'd rather feel completely nauseas during my two hours away from reality. I got laid off from work and can't get laid at home…you know what I need…a stomachache and a traumatic experience that'll haunt me for at least a week, if not a lifetime. Not is my life falling apart…but so is this guy's backbone when he gets pelted by a nail gun while his earlobes are stapled to a bridge. Ecstasy at last."

The problem is the sequels try to top each other by getting more ridiculous. In Saw the bad guy finds someone who's depressed and says, "let's play a game…I'm going to make you saw through your leg in order to save your own life. If you succeed it means that you still care about life."

By the time it gets to Saw III it seems like just about everyone is depressed. "Let's play a game…all day you work as a brain surgeon and that makes you tired…pussy…if you want to save your own life you need to cut open your medulla oblongata and pull out the key to unlock the torture device that's attached to your eyelids…if you can do that in 30 seconds than your face won't turn into a taco salad because you're such a miserable person…the scavenger hunt through your brain starts now."

"Let's play a game...you do comedy at open mics for no money and work in life insurance during the day. If you can wear these suspenders and smash a water melon onstage at least one show a day for the rest of your life, you can have Gallagher's career."

Sometimes gore movies will star a sadistic dentist. Going to the dentist already feels like I'm in a gore movie. If I were at a sadistic dentist's office, I wouldn't know the difference.

"Alright, I'm gonna have to pull your jaws apart like King Kong on a T-Rex and skewer your gums with this miniature jousting lance until they're flooding blood in multiple locations."

"Sounds good as long as I get a free toothbrush at the end of my visit."

So if you want to see Hostel II, let me know. I'd kind of like to go.

Another killer audition...this time it wasn't all black women

2007-05-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today I had a commercial audition for a psychological ward. That's right ladies, someone thought I'd be good for the part of a psycho…and I'm single. Can I get sexier?

Answer: Booyah.

I played the part of a guy who just got treated and is overcoming his psychological problems. I had to walk around and pretend to do random daily activities. Meanwhile another actor, playing my inner critic, walked closely behind me and told me I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't sure if we were shooting a commercial or an autobiographical film.

I started by mock ironing my shirt and fixing my tie. Then after two minutes I ran out of things to do so I just kept fixing my tie like I was an OCD case…just the type of person that the psych ward wants representing them.

In my own head I was self-consciously asking, "why are you fixing your tie again? That's not good acting." And in real life the other actor was saying, "Fixing your tie again, huh? You'll never get it right."
So I got flustered and it looked like I needed to go back to the psychological ward. On a positive note, they referred me to a great therapist.

That's right ladies, Sexy McSexy isn't too good for therapy.

Seriously though, call me. I miss when we used to write our initials in tree bark.

Long-winded GPS

2007-05-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

I like when you ask someone for directions and even though they don't know the answer, they still feel the need to waste 5 minutes of your time. Today I was asking this guy how to get to St. James Tavern:

Old Guy: St. James Tavern? Man I haven't been there in years?
Me: Alright, that's fine…
O: No, I think I remember though.
M: It's ok, I can ask someone else.
O: Isn't it over by the coffee shop, now what was the name of that shop...was it the Coffee Express, or the...
M: Thanks a lot, but I'm just going to...
O: Oh now I remember. It was the Coffee Express-o...hahah, cute shop, but yea I think it was over by the St. James Tavern...
M: Great.
O: You know who would know?
M: Someone other than you?
O: Gary would know where it is. If you make a left on Commonwealth and then a right on Beacon, Gary has a convenient store over there and he could definately tell you where the Tavern is...he's a big drinker.
M: Thanks you've been more than helpful.
O: So why do you need to get to the Tavern?

Now I feel like I have to guess ahead of time if the person is going to talk my head off:
"He's a cop, which means he should know where it is…but he's smiling which means he enjoys life and may talk too much."

"She's hot, but has a Dunkin Donuts hat on, which means she doesn't know where anything is…and I shouldn't think she's hot."

"He's miserable looking and just called me a faggot…Looks like we have a winner."

Blind Aviator Breaking My Heart

2007-05-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

I heard a news story about a blind aviator who's flown all over the world. He's also climbed Kilimanjaro and run in the Siberian Ice Marathon. Next he wants to be the first blind aviator to break the sound barrier.

I'm afraid to walk downstairs in the dark, but this blind guy wants to fly a plane faster than sound. He ran a marathon on ice. I can't run a marathon on anything…even those conveyor belt things they have at the airport.

That's why I'm glad there's Jerry Springer. He's not educational. He just makes us feel better about where our lives are going. For every Guinness Book blind aviator, Jerry gives us a 350-pound lady with a mullet who doesn't know her baby's daddy. That puts me at ease. Otherwise I'd lose it. "This guy's blind and flies? What the hell do I do?"

I want to be the guy who makes everyone else feel like shit. "Dan, what've you been up to?"

"Not much, just wrote a novel while juggling fire over an orgy of naked Aryan women."

"Aryan women? I thought you were Jewish?"

"That's right. I'm so talented, even Aryan women will want to have an orgy under my juggling of
fire and novel writing…What'd you do today?"

"Sat on the couch and watched Jerry Springer. It was a good episode. Turns out the baby's daddy was a blind aviator…I guess you could say he landed his plane in the wrong hanger."

"I guess you could say that…listen, I just learned every Chinese word in existence so I'm going to go teach the language to underprivileged kids in Namibia."

"Peace out home slice."

"Don't ever talk to me again. You're beneath me."

The Good, The Bad, and I'm an Idiot

2007-04-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" for the first time in my life so that people would stop telling me that I'm deprived for never seeing it. "You've never seen The Good, The Bad, and Ugly? I'll bet you haven't seen 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' or 'Gremlins 2.' Who raised you? What kind of film major are you? Why am I still talking to you?"

Despite the fact that it was blatantly obvious from the beginning of the movie, I didn't realize that Clint Eastwood's partner was "the Ugly" until about two thirds of the way into the movie. I figured there were two different tan characters with a lot of facial hair who shot people. Most of the movie I was thinking, "This is a good movie. They've established the good and the bad…but when does the ugly show up?"

I did the same thing with Nirvana. A couple years ago I saw an old concert of theirs on MTV and I thought it was live. I told my friend, "Man, the new lead singer for Nirvana looks just like Kurt Cobain. And he sounds like him too. I wonder how they found someone so similar."

Can you disown yourself?

Talent Shows

2007-02-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

The other night I competed in a talent show contest against a man who snorted a condom up his nose before pulling it out of his mouth…then ate glass…then, with a baseball bat, nailed a long spike into his nostril and had a girl pull it out with her teeth, and then stuck a skewer through both of his cheeks…he lost.

I lost, telling jokes. This guy lost after having had blood pour out from his body.

I don't know how guys like that learn that that's they're calling. Some people say, "Today I'm going to get a job and really make something of myself." Others say, "I think I'll hammer a nail into my nostril. It only makes sense. If I can already snort an entire condom through my nose, I should also have a nail in there too."

I wonder if we can all do that. Maybe their bodies aren't deformed. They just have more time on their hands. Like if I wanted to, I could pull my liver out through my ear, I've just never dedicated the time to try it. "Hey what do you know? It is possible."

People like that shouldn't be in the circus. They should be spies. If they are captured, they still won't release confidential information.
"You're going to talk buddy. Or else…"
"Or else what?"
"Or else we hammer a nail into your head."
"Nice. I did that onstage the other day. You guys are gonna love it."
"What?"
"Yea, but it's going to cost you if you want to book me for that."
"Damn it. Why'd we kidnap the fucking stuntman?"
"If you want, I can also prop this electric chair on my chin and then swallow it whole.

I also saw a guy who swallowed a sword. When watching a guy swallow a sword is not the most impressive part of your night, that's a good night. Previously my best night included watching my friend try to sing "Sweet Caroline" on karaoke night.

How I Could Just Kill a Man or at Least Tell Him to Die

2006-10-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Last night, while trying to find parking in Boston, I accidentally passed a lot with one spot left. Unfortunately, I was on a one-way road, but it was a back road and there was no traffic coming.

I was running late for a show, so I began backing up and this 60-something year old security guard charged out from a nearby building like I was raiding his fortress. He clearly had little going on in his life, and he said "hey you can't do that. This is a one way street." I was afraid he might call for backup so I politely explained that I was trying to get to the parking lot I'd just passed ten feet back. "Well then you gotta drive around again." Driving around meant driving onto a three lane highway, steering my way through traffic, finding this same side street while avoid hundreds of pedestrians…not to mention I'm lazy.

So I pleaded… "Please sir, could you just let me back up ten feet," like I was Oliver Twist in a Driver's Ed video.

He chuckled, "Nope, that's why I'm here." Then stood there proudly with a "you might be 40 years younger and not a worthless security guard, but I can still piss you off" grin on his face. He was so impressed with himself that I could literally feel his diary opening up. Tonight would be the entry of his lifetime.

Normally I would sigh melodramatically and shake my head like it was a crying shame that something like this was happening in America. Then I would drive off, cursing him out behind closed windows so no one else could get offended by my insults (assface and assface fucker) and try to pick a fight with me.

I was about to do continue that tradition, when instead I remained calm, turned back and politely stated, "Sir, I hope you get run over tonight." He nodded as if he were saluting my wish. I drove off, trying to find a spot elsewhere so I didn't have to pass him again. I ended up passing him three more times before I found a spot.

I was so proud of myself that I opened my blog and wrote the entry of my lifetime.

2006-10-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

My brother graduated from high school last Sunday. We were all very proud of accomplishments.

(Left: My brother after winning the "most Asian female looking" award. Fun Fact: He still hasn't stopped smiling out of pride.)

For those of you who havent been to a graduation recently...you might be a redneck. Hey-o.

(Fun Fact: My brother killed two birds with one stone during his wedding/graduation. You can't see it, but the dead birds are lying on the ground behind him.)

My dad made us show up an hour early to score good seats. He wanted to score front row seats so we could be bored up close. I guess he got high school graduation confused with something exciting, like going to the movies during opening weekend of Princess Diaries 2. I figured no matter where we sit, were still going to get the same view of a bunch of bored teenagers staring off into space while the school superintendent tells them to take control of their half-full glass of life and live it to the fullest.

(Left: My brother's graduation class. Looking for Waldo? He's the one on the left with his hands together and a candy cane shirt.)

The ceremony started with the principal announcing, Now presenting the Ashland High School Faculty and the faculty paraded in from the hallway all dressed up and waving to the crowd. I couldnt tell if we were supposed to cheer them on like Hollywood celebrities. The whole time my moms pointing and clapping, Oh my, theres Mr. Matthews from 8th grade history, and Miss Meyers from Health. I cant believe Im seeing her in personMiss Meyers, could you sign my shirt. Please and make it out to Carl. Hes graduating today.

Then the students marched out as slowly as possible, organizing into rows and columns for 20 minutes. They make a big production out of it like they were impressing someone. Wow, who choreographed this number? Mustve practiced this at least one time. And with those matching colors and hats, they should take this show to Broadway. Id give it a Tony Award.

Everyone was dressed in the same stupid outfit and all walking together. Whats the mentality there? After years of education where we told you to think for yourself, were going to dress all of you in the same Harry Potter jump suit and have you goosestep in unison.

Some people videotaped the whole thing and just held their cameras up above their heads. They werent even pointing them in any specific direction. I dont care if any of this is in focus, just as long as I can remember how painfully long it was later.

Cant wait to watch those tapes. Check it out. Heres the part where I fall asleep for 2 hours. I dont think you could make graduation interesting if you edited it down to a one-minute blockbuster preview. Coming this June - Kids Getting Diplomas - a High School Production.

Then they have the chorus sing the star spangled banner. Its like a professional sporting event, minus the halftime shows, beer, and action. Everyone cheered when their kid gets onstage, except my family. We just sat back, eh, been there, done that.

Then different people present speeches to address the class. They should just hand out quote books and a list of clichés in the graduation programs. That way the speakers dont have to waste our time telling us just how boring they can be. One speaker quoted Martin Van Buren. Theres a real inspirational figure in history. Right up there with James Polk and Calvin Coolidge. Martin Van Burens famous quote was, I cant believe anyone would ever quote me.

(Left: Martin on a good hair day. OMG, talk abotu split ends. You're telling me sister.)

All in all, it was quite a day. If you ever get a chance to watch someone graduate, take it. Then write a blog and see if you can make it as amazingly gripping as this one. Congratulations class of 2006.

A True Coming of Race & Gender Story

2006-10-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently Im a black woman.

I had an audition last Friday for what I thought was a stock footage shoot. I think that means that they need people to stand in the background of a photo shoot. I dont really understand what it was. I just sign up for things and hope for the best. Its one of the reasons I have no money and a bad case of rabies now.

Regardless, I was excited. You know youre career is on a roll when youre applying for auditions to be an extra in a magazine advertisement. Thats how most Hollywood stars get discovered. Heath Ledger was seen drinking out of a water fountain in the background of a Camel Cigarette ad and the execs were like, "this guy would be great in our movie. Just look at the way he bends over."

A day before I received a mass email about the photo advertisement audition. I emailed the agency a headshot as the email requested and was later given an audition time and place. Im pretty good at not moving, so I figured the camera would love me.

When I arrive at the audition, everyone else there is an African American woman. I think "maybe theyre here for something else" or "maybe I'm early" or (and this is where I get modest) "maybe I had the only white male headshot that they liked so thats why theres no other men or Caucasian people here."

Theres a posted flier that reads, Make sure you are available for the following shoot dates:

August 8: African Americans
August 9: Latinos

I read the flier at least four times trying to make sure Im not overlooking the day when stupid white males are going to be magazine extras.

I sit down and start filling out the application, circling answers like white and pale skin and while Im doing so, more and more African American women are showing up for the audition.

Finally a man (the only man there) walks out, calls "Dan Hirshon?" and when I get up and introduce myself, he smiles and turns quickly so as not to laugh in my face.

Inside the room, I stand in the middle and the guy takes a picture of me. In the back of the room is another African American woman, who had a similar "this kid's either a moron or the ugliest black woman I've ever seen" grin on her face.

I give a big smile for the camera, take the picture, and leave. I guess they thought it would be too awkward to do anything else so they just took my picture and told me they'd call me when Big: The Sequel comes out (In the sequel, instead of wishing to be bigger, Tom Hanks wishes the genie to make him more of a black woman).

The thing I didnt get was that I emailed them my headshot and they replied with an audition time. So my guess is that my headshot makes me look like a black woman. Its a very dark picture and my hair helps.

Watch me get pigeon-holed into that role. "Have you seen Dan Hirshon's act?"

"You mean that black woman who talks about how she can never get laid as a pale skinned Jewish boy?"

"Yea, she has a unique look. I think we should have her in the house for the next Last Comic Standing."

Booya.

IMPORTANT: MAKE SURE TO READ

2006-08-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ:

Today the mayor of Alaska announced that mass paper shredding will begin throughout the continent due a recent bill that was passed by the Congressional Order. If this bill is passed by Senate it could devastate a lot of things that live in Alaska. Since the government isnt listening to people with authority, a chain letter has been started to waste everyones time. Please sign this petition and blog it on your MySpace site. If over 1,000,000 people blog this petition than the Congressional Senate Party of Alaska will know that 1,000,000 wasted their time reading this.

Also, if you dont blog this or send it in a chain email to at least 10 people over the next hour you will die from a paper cut and your parents will read your diary at the funeral and laugh at it (If this threat does not apply to you then insert the threat youll get herpes!)

Signed:

Jason Denison (Appleton, AK)
Rita McKormick (Holton, AK)
Katy Decker (Beaverden, OK)
Ben Kyle (Clevester, TN)
TJ Mittleman (Allentown, PA)
Dan Hirshon (Boston, MA)

The Adventures of Smashman

2006-05-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

As if I didn't feel creepy enough...

In college, my rowing team needed the money. We tried all kinds of fundraising, car washes, concession stands, mafia hits.

At one point we got an email from a guy who called himself Smashman. Apparently, Smashman likes to lie down and have people stand on him. In fact, he travels around the world, having everyone from fraternities to football teams stand on him. He figured he could help our crew team raise some money by having us stand on him while an audience bet how much weight he could take.

He (a small 145 lb man) ended up having about 6 guys, weighing a total of over 700 pounds stand on him and we raised about ten dollars. It was an awkward time in all our lives, but we did it for the sake of oarsmen in spandex. I think right after the cure for cancer, thats the next biggest priority.

Fast forward to now. My old crew buddy was surfing the internet and came across this story. Its pretty creepy and helps me feel even creepier for knowing Smashman (Still nowhere near as creepy as Owen Bowness.)

http://www.extremskater.de/stories/stories_1/stories_10_english/stories_10_english.html

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