Talent Shows

The other night I competed in a talent show contest against a man who snorted a condom up his nose before pulling it out of his mouth…then ate glass…then, with a baseball bat, nailed a long spike into his nostril and had a girl pull it out with her teeth, and then stuck a skewer through both of his cheeks…he lost.

I lost, telling jokes. This guy lost after having had blood pour out from his body.

I don't know how guys like that learn that that's they're calling. Some people say, "Today I'm going to get a job and really make something of myself." Others say, "I think I'll hammer a nail into my nostril. It only makes sense. If I can already snort an entire condom through my nose, I should also have a nail in there too."

I wonder if we can all do that. Maybe their bodies aren't deformed. They just have more time on their hands. Like if I wanted to, I could pull my liver out through my ear, I've just never dedicated the time to try it. "Hey what do you know? It is possible."

People like that shouldn't be in the circus. They should be spies. If they are captured, they still won't release confidential information.
"You're going to talk buddy. Or else…"
"Or else what?"
"Or else we hammer a nail into your head."
"Nice. I did that onstage the other day. You guys are gonna love it."
"What?"
"Yea, but it's going to cost you if you want to book me for that."
"Damn it. Why'd we kidnap the fucking stuntman?"
"If you want, I can also prop this electric chair on my chin and then swallow it whole.

I also saw a guy who swallowed a sword. When watching a guy swallow a sword is not the most impressive part of your night, that's a good night. Previously my best night included watching my friend try to sing "Sweet Caroline" on karaoke night.