Limo Liner

Yesterday I lost my car keys in my parents’ house. If you ever want to hate everyone you talk to then lose your keys.
“Yea, I fucking checked my backpack 17 times! Don’t tell me to look again.”
“No, they’re not in the ignition. Stay out of this grandma. You’re not helping.”

Since I wanted to get home sooner than later I decided to treat myself to a trip down to New York on the limo liner bus.

When you get on a limo liner, you expect a lot for your $89. That’s worth approximately 6 Chinatown bus trips. For this much money I could have my bus break down six times on the high way because the driver was talking on his cell phone while doing 90 miles an hour in the breakdown lane with no permit, registration, or gas.

The good part about the limo liner, in addition to a complementary bagel and free viewing of Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End, is that you don’t risk decapitation on a Greyhound and having your body eaten while you’re asleep. If I’m going to be murdered, it’s going to be in luxury.

We also have Wifi on here, which means I’ve checked email 80 times. Whenever I check my email I never have new messages. I should check to see if I have other things, like depression and a pitiful sex life. Then that wouldn’t show up so much. After that I should stop checking to see if I have my car keys and when they magically reappear I’ll drive home in the Ferrari I didn’t check to see if I had.

Karma & Lies

I told my friend, “my windshield needs to be replaced and insurance doesn’t cover it.”

And he said, “Here’s the secret for fixing that…” which I thought was the introduction to a wholesome idea... like if I mixed crazy glue with happiness then I could seal the crack forever.

Instead…

He told me to call one of those truck companies that carry salt or rocks and say, “I was driving behind your truck. Something flew off the top of it and cracked my windshield,” and they’ll replace my windshield for free without question because that happens so much.

Here’s why this wouldn’t work for me.

1.) Karma affects me more than most, probably because I assume everything relates to Karma.
“There’s no milk for my Corn Flakes? Thanks a lot karma.”
“The economy’s bad? It's because I lied to the salt delivery company.”

2.) I’m a terrible liar because I don’t have the confidence to stand by my lie. If I called the salt delivery company I’d be the first person in history they’d know was lying.
“Judging by the crack in your windshield I can tell you didn’t come anywhere near a salt truck and since we can prove this in a court of law, we’re going to sue and arrest you for fraud.”
“You’re absolutely right and I’m wrong about everything.”

Then because of karma I’d get the maximum sentence and be someone’s bitch within ten minutes because I don’t know how to lie.
“What are you in here for?”
“Um, kind of a long story, but basically I was murdering my friend for telling me I should call the salt truck company and…”
“You’re my bitch.”
“But I don’t have time to be your bitch. I have a doctor’s appointment at 4 and then…”
“You just bought yourself another butt raping my friend.”