Below is a Transcript of Commencement Speech at Hirshwell's by Johnny TweezWasabi: Method Motivational Speaker
President Hirshwell, Members of the Hirshwell’s Corporation and the board of overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and of course, graduates of Hirshwell’s Community College at Night, I would like to begin by saying thank you. Thank you for allowing me to enrich your lives and become a major influence in your memories.
Most of you already know me from my motivational speeches and inspirational aura, but let me blow your minds by revealing that I haven’t always been so incredible. Just like you are now, I was at one time a lost cause, a frustrated young chap. I was constantly mad at myself for not accomplishing all I wanted to. I felt time was running out and I was moving too slowly for life itself. But then I discovered what would immediately give me the strength to overcome my problems. I discovered crystal meth.
Like you I was skeptical at first…but after crushing 14 boxes of Sudafed into fine powder, dumping the contents into a pitcher of An-hydrous ammonia with 4 unraveled alkaline batteries until it produced a rotten egg smell and fog, then pouring the mixture into a Ziploc bag, separating and pouring contents through coffee filters, filling a rinsed out 20 oz pop bottle 1/3 of the way with salt, cutting a hole in the top, inserting a fish hose, connected to the two original bags with the filtered contents, opening the bag to release the smoke so it doesn’t become stale, and waiting 2 to 3 hours for it to dry before shooting it into my veins, I was soon able to stay awake for 8-970 hours at a time.
Whereas I used to feel groggy, I suddenly had the adrenaline rush to complete all my homework as well as everyone else’s, paint houses, write novels, build ice sculptures, master ju jitzu and taekwando, play a 1 on 5 basketball game, learn every language in existence, and sell meth to all the young kids my community…all overnight. I’d gained a superpower and that superpower was identified in the urban dictionary as Smurf Dope.
Class of 2011, if you don’t believe me, I beg you to simply give Scooby Snax a try. I guarantee you won’t want to stop.
Dr. Seuss once said, “Oh the places you will go…if you smoke chank and cheebah.” Clearly he knew how to get things done. Are you ready to jump aboard the train to happiness town where skyscrapers are erected from powder monkeys and hope is not a myth, but rather a vat of Satan Dust?
All our lives we are taught to believe meth is a poor decision, but I learned something, and you soon will too: the most important lesson to learn after college graduation is that life isn’t about others making decisions for you, it’s about you shooting up on white crunch so you can feel like the king of the universe.
Graduating class, if I leave you with one message besides that it’s important to smoke baggers, I’ll leave you with this: If you are one the lucky few to discover your true passion in life, don’t run away from it, even if it explodes in your face because you didn’t stir the ammonia at the correct speed.
Allow me to explain. Soon after finding my calling, I put together a lab out in the desert so I could expose more people life’s wonderful solution. You’re welcome.
However, with most epiphanies come some epipha-nos. One day while cooking some happiness, I accidentally burned my entire face off. But like any true motivator, I persisted. I searched through the mushroom cloud that’d encompassed my lab, found a needle, and shot up. Six months later after a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery, I am here to tell you that I am still on meth, and still loving life.
Students, the reason I tell you this story is because many in this position might have given up. My friend who was running the lab with me actually quit meth altogether and left joy town. He went to a place where instead of having fun with meth, they just talked about all the times they used to have fun with meth. Excuse my tough love, but are you bored? Because I am.
Your time is limited, so don’t let the noise of after school specials and DARE programs drown out your desire to reach for the stars, especially if those stars look like some Sweet Ass Spinderella that you can smoke.
If you’d like to support my solution to life, please feel free to buy my meth or my CD, entitled Meth: Taking the “if” out of life, and also taking the “L-e” out of life and replacing it with “Meth.” The CD is available on i-tunes or in my new undisclosed basement lab in Chinatown.
Thank you for your time. Meth foreves.
