Comedy Spillage Radio

Hi Hirshonoids,

Every now and again you can hear me in the form of various characters on Comedy Spillage Radio with host, Shawn Cornelius.

Check it out here!

Love,

Myself

Meditatin'

Hey meditation, you're cheaper than medication and most people from monks to psychologists say you can bring me to a higher place and make me happier. But when I listen to the gurus on your babbling brook and ocean waves CDs, they all speak with this soft, slow monotone and sound dangerously close to brain dead. If those are my role models, are you saying I need to have a lobotomy to be happy? I'm not motivated to reach a higher consciousness when it's just going to make me sound like Mr. Rogers meets HAL, the evil computer from 2001 Space Odyssey. I'm not reaching a higher awareness. I'm getting the dazed and confused brain of Spicoli from Fast Times. Congratulations meditation, you've found a way to make me a pot head without the fun and social benefits of smoking pot with friends. That being said, I'm going to continue to try you out as you and your gurus help me fall asleep at night.

What Women Don't Want

Regularly I learn new things that women don't like. This past weekend while in Hartford, Connecticut I discovered that when a women asks you to guess her bra size, she doesn't like it when you just squint your eyes, plant your nose within a millimeter of her breasts and stare for a good three minutes without saying anything. Bobbing your head while cupping the air around her breasts with your hands doesn't seem to arouse her either.

Dear women:

Please don't ever ask me to guess your bra size again. I'd rather guess how fat I think you are or the number of hairs you have in your mustache.

* * * *

Dear salesmen who travel around to aviation trade shows around the country and don't understand how a guy like me could possibly lack confidence:

Please don't try and set me up with another 6"2 former high school basketball star who greets me with a pained expression on her large face when you introduce me as "the funny man" and then forces me to guess her bra size. I know you mean well, but you're making me feel like an asshole.

Here's bachelorette photo I crashed:

More blogs coming soon!

I'm gonna start blogging again soon. I can feel it.

Tonight I'll be doing some talking in a comedic fashion at O'Hanlon's on 14th and 1st ave around 8pm. And tomorrow, Sunday, April 17th I'll be performing more comedic hijinx at the Broadway Comedy Club at 9:30pm.

Keith and the Girl

You can hear me and my funny friend, Micah Sherman, on this episode of the hilarious podcast, "Keith and the Girl." Micah wants to have sex with a transvestite to help complete his bucket list and I talk about how I'm not a fan of drinking without women.

Good Afternoon, Sleeping Beauty

Did some shows in Massachusetts this weekend and so I stayed at my parents' house. It’s a felony to wake up after 8 at my parents’ house. They will do everything in their power to make sure you don't sleep past 8, like the cops are going to show up, rip you out of bed, and arrest you for relaxing and enjoying your life.

I'm finally away from the chaos in New York City, lying in bed in the suburbs...they're yelling on speaker phone, not even outside calls, just my dad talking to my mom. They're smashing dishes against the floor, taking lessons on the electric guitar, performing step aerobics all over the house.

Then when I have the audacity to walk downstairs after sleeping for less than five hours, they say "oh it’s so nice of you to join us sleeping beauty.” Or they call me a “lazy bum” depending on how offensive they feel. Sleeping beauty had someone kiss her awake. Waking up to you playing broadway musicals on surround sound speakers while gossiping about the politics at your day school is not exactly a fairy tale wakeup.

One time I woke up at 9:30 and my grandmother goes, “well good afternoon.” Usually it has to be after noon to be afternoon. Just because I’m out 5 hours after you go to bed doesn’t mean afternoon gets a new definition.

Point is, I'm cranky right now.

Johnny TweezWasabi: Method Motivational Speaker

Below is a Transcript of Commencement Speech at Hirshwell's by Johnny TweezWasabi: Method Motivational Speaker

President Hirshwell, Members of the Hirshwell’s Corporation and the board of overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and of course, graduates of Hirshwell’s Community College at Night, I would like to begin by saying thank you. Thank you for allowing me to enrich your lives and become a major influence in your memories.

Most of you already know me from my motivational speeches and inspirational aura, but let me blow your minds by revealing that I haven’t always been so incredible. Just like you are now, I was at one time a lost cause, a frustrated young chap. I was constantly mad at myself for not accomplishing all I wanted to. I felt time was running out and I was moving too slowly for life itself. But then I discovered what would immediately give me the strength to overcome my problems. I discovered crystal meth.

Like you I was skeptical at first…but after crushing 14 boxes of Sudafed into fine powder, dumping the contents into a pitcher of An-hydrous ammonia with 4 unraveled alkaline batteries until it produced a rotten egg smell and fog, then pouring the mixture into a Ziploc bag, separating and pouring contents through coffee filters, filling a rinsed out 20 oz pop bottle 1/3 of the way with salt, cutting a hole in the top, inserting a fish hose, connected to the two original bags with the filtered contents, opening the bag to release the smoke so it doesn’t become stale, and waiting 2 to 3 hours for it to dry before shooting it into my veins, I was soon able to stay awake for 8-970 hours at a time.

Whereas I used to feel groggy, I suddenly had the adrenaline rush to complete all my homework as well as everyone else’s, paint houses, write novels, build ice sculptures, master ju jitzu and taekwando, play a 1 on 5 basketball game, learn every language in existence, and sell meth to all the young kids my community…all overnight. I’d gained a superpower and that superpower was identified in the urban dictionary as Smurf Dope.

Class of 2011, if you don’t believe me, I beg you to simply give Scooby Snax a try. I guarantee you won’t want to stop.

Dr. Seuss once said, “Oh the places you will go…if you smoke chank and cheebah.” Clearly he knew how to get things done. Are you ready to jump aboard the train to happiness town where skyscrapers are erected from powder monkeys and hope is not a myth, but rather a vat of Satan Dust?

All our lives we are taught to believe meth is a poor decision, but I learned something, and you soon will too: the most important lesson to learn after college graduation is that life isn’t about others making decisions for you, it’s about you shooting up on white crunch so you can feel like the king of the universe.

Graduating class, if I leave you with one message besides that it’s important to smoke baggers, I’ll leave you with this: If you are one the lucky few to discover your true passion in life, don’t run away from it, even if it explodes in your face because you didn’t stir the ammonia at the correct speed.

Allow me to explain. Soon after finding my calling, I put together a lab out in the desert so I could expose more people life’s wonderful solution. You’re welcome.

However, with most epiphanies come some epipha-nos. One day while cooking some happiness, I accidentally burned my entire face off. But like any true motivator, I persisted. I searched through the mushroom cloud that’d encompassed my lab, found a needle, and shot up. Six months later after a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery, I am here to tell you that I am still on meth, and still loving life.

Students, the reason I tell you this story is because many in this position might have given up. My friend who was running the lab with me actually quit meth altogether and left joy town. He went to a place where instead of having fun with meth, they just talked about all the times they used to have fun with meth. Excuse my tough love, but are you bored? Because I am.

Your time is limited, so don’t let the noise of after school specials and DARE programs drown out your desire to reach for the stars, especially if those stars look like some Sweet Ass Spinderella that you can smoke.

If you’d like to support my solution to life, please feel free to buy my meth or my CD, entitled Meth: Taking the “if” out of life, and also taking the “L-e” out of life and replacing it with “Meth.” The CD is available on i-tunes or in my new undisclosed basement lab in Chinatown.

Thank you for your time. Meth foreves.