85 Things To Include On Your To-Do List

Big fan of “to do” lists?

Success Step 1: Make sure to make long to do lists so it feels like you're accomplishing something all the time.
Once you “take a nap” then you’ve done enough for the day and can take another nap.

Success Step 2: Be an accomplisher not a belly itcher.

Some people worry that they're including too many “to dos.” They'll check off 20 things on their "100 things to do" but at the end of day realize they forgot to “sign up for health insurance” because they were busy checking off “eat apple” and "watch youTube clips."

Forget those people. As we all know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away so you don't have to worry about health insurance. These things will work themselves out in the end. You're welcome.

How To Ruin a Movie For Someone

Check out Funnycakes' latest video at atom.com and let us know what you think...

Movie Day

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Cinematic Comedy | Funny Animations

16 Ways To Ruin A Complement

Are you insulted someone would complement you?
Complements drive us awkward people insane. Not like breathe fire out the ears insane. Just like hunch over and stare at the floor insane.

Why?

Complements never seem as personal as insults.

True Story:
Anyone could say, “I like your eyes” or “your hair looks nice” but it seems like a person puts real thought into saying, “Your breath smells like my asshole after a weekend at Taco Bell.”

Most people don’t want to be mean or confrontational without being funny so they take time out of their day to script something strong if they’re going to make fun of you.

Success Step 1:
If you’re ever insulted, just say, "thank you for thinking of me."

I know I appreciate insults more than complements. Also, my self-esteem might have something to do with it.

How To Lose Listenership

Below is a WHUH Static Radio guide to gaining listenership for your community college radio station...

Step 1: Introduce Yourself. The Worst That Can Happen Is You'll Hate Everyone


Step 2: Familiarize Yourself With Your Surroundings So You Can Ambush Burglers


Step 3: Burn Bridges

How To Bomb Without Grace

Sexy Seniors

How To Film The Perfect Comedy Special

Ever watch a televised comedy special where the comic mentions black people before the cameras cut to black people in the audience. Black people get enough TV airtime, am I right Eskimos?

Then the comic talks about women with big breasts and the cameras cut to women with big breasts.

Comics wonder why audiences are afraid they’re going to get made fun of at comedy shows. Maybe it’s because the cameras are singling out people more than the comics.

“And what about these women who throw up in the bathroom…” Cut to a six-year old girl with a stomach virus.

“Or these sexy bloggers...” Cut to me.

“Or these pedophiles who go to comedy shows...” Cut to a guy holding stomach virus girl on his lap. He might be enjoying the joke then, but what happens when the recorded special comes out on DVD and he sees the cameras cut to him? That won’t be comfortable. We should be making our pedophiles feel special. They take the time to make our kids feel special. It’s our duty to give back.

How To Become a Scientologist

I'm becoming a Scientologist.

Scientology is one of those words that must be pronounced with the sound of laughter behind it, otherwise it has been mispronounced.

Last night, while moping around Harvard Sq., I stopped off and took a "Free" outdoor stress test.

Fun Fact: Never take a stress test when you're depressed. You will end up buying every product they're offering.

"You're right, I do feel a bit depressed. I could most definitely use that self-help guide. AND there's a supplemental CD for my listening pleasure? Sign me up."

"You have group meetings and costly psychological visits? How did you know that's what I needed?"

The stress test works as follows: You sit outside the Harvard Sq. T station, located in between two lanes of oncoming traffic. Meanwhile, heroin and coke addicts stumble by, mumbling to no one in particular, with an occasional scream for good measure. If you're not stressed from just sitting there, then you probably don't have a pulse.

While remaining seated, you hold two hollow metal rods in your palms. Each is wired into a Fisher price looking machine that you know is complete bullshit. While you ponder how long you have to sit there to remain polite, the guy asks you to tell him things you find stressful. Then the machine moves.

He says, "what's stressing you these days?"

And I say, "girls."

Then the meter arrow moves and he says, "see that? It moved. It means girls stress you out."

Yea, that's what I just told you. Thanks for analyzing and repeating the words coming from my mouth.

Then he asks me to get into my emotions and how I feel about girls. And I say, "Frustration, depression."

And the meter moves again. And he says, "see depression seems to be stressing you out."

"What kind of research did you have to do to discover that? The magic of scientology."

"Don't tell me stress is stressing me out. That's too much to handle. It stresses me out thinking about the extra stress that stress buildup ensues, caking onto my stressful stress. I have to buy another DVD to help it back down.

The next thing he said was "we have a book here on Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. It's good for people who have stress in their lives. You should get one." So it's good for everyone.

And I say, "that is the stupidest argument for a book. Everyone gets stressed out...of course I'll buy the book. What else do you have? A DVD? I'd love one, unless you have the box set, then I'm sold."

The book is 1,000 pages. I can't read more than 10 pages at a time, but for some reason I thought I could read a 1,000 page book. It looks more like a science fiction novel then a fact based self-help guide. There's a volcano erupting on the front and it says, "Bestseller."

They kept selling it as "This is sold in 50 languages and 200 countries." Like I'm gonna be like "Ok now I'll buy it. If people speaking Swahili are reading this then it must be good. I took French for 7 years and learned nothing, but the fact that there's a possibility of me reading this in French is very moving."

They defined several words in the footnotes to help you feel retarded. Some of the definitions were suspect:

Sir Isaac Newton was defined as an "idiot head."

Point is, get a book on Dianetics.