Hostile toward Hostel...Heyo still!

I heard that Hostel II makes first Hostel look like a children's movie. Take that Hostel I.

In the first Hostel a girl's eyeball hangs out of the socket, a guy has his head chopped off, and another guy has his ankles sliced open before the rest of his body is gutted and sewed shut...they obviously stole the script from Toy Story.

I guess to top the first movie Hostel II must have an executioner reach through someone's mouth, pull out their entire skeletal structure, then carve a Christmas tree shaped hole in the body with a chain saw, insert an actual Christmas tree, turn on the lights, and electrocute the boneless corpse. It'll be like the game, "Operation," except instead of tweezering out fake organs from Rudolph the red nose cartoon nudist, you're supplanting a 7-foot, pine covered taser.

I don't understand why gore movies are so popular anyway. Comedies are meant to make us laugh, good dramas are meant to make us think, gore is meant to gross us out.

"I'm not in the mood to laugh and be happy, I'd rather feel completely nauseas during my two hours away from reality. I got laid off from work and can't get laid at home…you know what I need…a stomachache and a traumatic experience that'll haunt me for at least a week, if not a lifetime. Not is my life falling apart…but so is this guy's backbone when he gets pelted by a nail gun while his earlobes are stapled to a bridge. Ecstasy at last."

The problem is the sequels try to top each other by getting more ridiculous. In Saw the bad guy finds someone who's depressed and says, "let's play a game…I'm going to make you saw through your leg in order to save your own life. If you succeed it means that you still care about life."

By the time it gets to Saw III it seems like just about everyone is depressed. "Let's play a game…all day you work as a brain surgeon and that makes you tired…pussy…if you want to save your own life you need to cut open your medulla oblongata and pull out the key to unlock the torture device that's attached to your eyelids…if you can do that in 30 seconds than your face won't turn into a taco salad because you're such a miserable person…the scavenger hunt through your brain starts now."

"Let's play a game...you do comedy at open mics for no money and work in life insurance during the day. If you can wear these suspenders and smash a water melon onstage at least one show a day for the rest of your life, you can have Gallagher's career."

Sometimes gore movies will star a sadistic dentist. Going to the dentist already feels like I'm in a gore movie. If I were at a sadistic dentist's office, I wouldn't know the difference.

"Alright, I'm gonna have to pull your jaws apart like King Kong on a T-Rex and skewer your gums with this miniature jousting lance until they're flooding blood in multiple locations."

"Sounds good as long as I get a free toothbrush at the end of my visit."

So if you want to see Hostel II, let me know. I'd kind of like to go.