Jewin' It

Dear Michael,

(For some reason this picture feels really anti-semitic to me. I don't know if that makes me self-hating or if Jews are so ridiculous looking that when someone portrays us accurately it looks like they're insulting us.)

Someone at a show last night said I look very “Jewy." I immediately felt insulted. Do you ever get that? I don't think you look as Jewy as I do, and by that I mean your nose isn't as big as mine, you don't hunch over as much as I do, and your hair is shorter and therefore less fro-licious. Although you do often have a beard which bumps up your Jew factor.

It feels anti-semitic just to talk about Jewy-ness. I think that happens for three reasons:

1.) I was raised, like many Jews, to think that anyone non-Jewish who talks about anything Jewish is anti-semitic. My mom constantly tells me about a new person or country that’s anti-Semitic. So now, simple phrases like "I work with a Jew" sounds like "I work with a Jew and that's my least favorite co-worker," especially if the speaker has blond or no hair. Even, "I find Jews attractive" sounds like a trap.

Because I don't really practice any sort of Judaism except for neurosis (and I leave work early for holidays like Shemini Atzeret), I don't consider myself Jewish enough to talk about Jews without sounding anti-semitic.

Fun Fact: Once this kid called me a stupid Jew (which might have been more because I used to foul a lot when I played basketball and less because he hated Jews. Years later I realized it was just one of many reasons to not live in Ohio, but I’ve also tried to be less stupid so I can give Jews a good name. To be fair though, I don’t think he was saying Jews are stupid, but rather, when compared to most Jews, I’m one of the stupid ones).

2.) Jews, at least the ones who fulfill Jewish stereotypes, are weird looking in my book (my 95,000 word manuscript "Jews Look Weird" is still looking for a publisher. If you are interested please contact my literary agent. His name is Dan and he can be reached at my personal email address). So many of us stereotypical Jews have larger, more bumpy noses than other races of people, and a bunch, myself included, hunch over while looking like we don't understand the world and how it can be filled with so many questions/burdens. So when someone says "you look Jewy" it sounds like they're saying, "you look weird right now. You're making me uncomfortable. Stop doing that."

3.) I forget the third reason. I think I probably just lumped it in with the other two.

How I got to be so somewhat anti-semitic
I have a “love/hate/am confused by” relationship with Judaism. I was raised Jewish, but in North Carolina, Virginia, and Ohio so until the age of 14 I was under the impression you were only allowed to have 4 Jews in one town at a time. You could go to neighboring towns and meet up with other Jews, but only on Friday nights, Saturday mornings, and for Sunday school.

The Wonder Years
I didn’t learn much about Judaism in Sunday school. In third grade my Sunday school teacher was a college kid/pro-wrestling enthusiast who said I looked like a “wise old owl” because I was more interested in learning about the Torah than analyzing who’d win a cage match between Ric Flair and the Undertaker (The way it was explained to me in class was the two would fight but then Triple X and Hollywood Hogan would show up with a can of whoop-ass, leading chaos to ensue, similar to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah).

P.S. Getting called a "wise old owl" by another Jew is a pretty dismal feeling. It's kind of like the kettle saying the pot is nerdy even though the kettle is 15 years older than the pot and should be acting more mature than a Junior High bully from a 1950s PSA.

For the Jew holiday (I don't think I can say that so you shouldn't either), Tu BiSh'vat, Jews plant a tree to honor the memory of a loved one or friend. Our teacher had us decide whether we wanted to plant a tree for our old rabbi who had just passed away or for Andre the Giant. My class chose Andre the Giant, which was ok because I really enjoyed the Princess Bride.

vs =

When I moved to Pennsylvania I became friends with minions of Jews and joined a youth group, but most of us focused less on praying and more on the Woody Allen/ultimate Frisbee/Guster aspects of the religion.

Becoming a Man Jew
Many Jews embrace their Judaism during their Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation. However, the most Jewish I’ve ever felt was when I moved to Boston and my good friend Tom introduced me to people as “The Jew.” I wasn't just Jewish, I was the sole representative for those looking to find out why Jews keep kosher or which holocaust jokes were too offensive to tell a Jew.

Jew Jew Believe In Magic
I tried to rejuvenate my interest in Judaism when I went on a Birthright trip to Israel, but it rained for 8 of the days and snowed several times while I was there so I don’t know if God even wants me to be Jewish.

However, I haven't gotten laid in so long that I've started believing I can't just focus on improving my personality and physical appearance. I need to start networking with some powerful allies, specifically God. It may be possible that I haven't gotten any hoo-ha because I didn't believe in the almighty and visit his house every week to pray to him and listen to stories about how he tried to trick a guy into killing his own son (the other reason may be that I call sex "hoo-ha").

So I'm starting to become a little more religious, or at least spiritual. This means that instead of wearing a yarmulke on my head because I think it looks ridiculous, I just reposition my desk in the "money corner" so I can attract the positive frequencies flowing throughout the cosmos and inspire the universe to smile back at me.

So In Delusion...
I guess I shouldn't get so defensive when someone calls me "Jewy." I should be happy that guy's sending a message to God that I'm trying harder and deserve a reward. Just like when I learned guitar and joined a band, I'm getting Jewier mostly to get laid.