A 26-year-old Russian artist, Victoria, is claiming to have developed a new artistic form — painting with her breasts. Finally people can appreciate women for their breasts. When reporters arrived to look at the artwork, one painting commented “Um, I’m up here.” Once considered superficial, boob jobs are now seen as a means to artistic expression.
Mel Gibson’s rep denies rumors that the actor is fleeing to Australia as he’s investigated for domestic violence against ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, stating the actor is “focusing on work.” By “work” he means slandering the Jews, driving drunk, and making another movie where he plays a psycho.
A recent study found that students returning from studying abroad have both higher GPAs and higher graduation rates than similar students who stayed home for their entire college careers. Students are now racing down to spend a year in Cancun so as to raise their GPA. However, some students failed exams due to spending so much time on scrap-booking their pictures and talking about how like totally amazing it was to experience another culture.
A beer cooler is credited with saving two men from drowning in the Chesapeake Bay. Unfortunately most of the beer was lost as the men had to send messages in each bottle to attract search parties around the bay. Luckily Sting was there to find each bottle and send out an SOS. In other news, an eight-ball was credited with saving a cokehead from feeling the pavement when he jumped off his roof.
A woman in line at McDonald’s bought a sandwich and stuffed it down her pants, saying her order had been shorted and she deserved a free one. I like free food as much as the next drunk psycho who goes into a South Carolinan McDonald’s and screams obscenities at the employees, but I’m not about to tarnish some perfectly good faux meat between two crumbly, stale, white buns by sticking it down my pants. Authorities say it was the second fastest time a McDonald’s meal has ever made it to someone’s pants. When police questioned her, the woman said that the fast food had simply gone straight to her thighs. Claiming she needed to exercise it off, the woman promptly ran away from the police. The woman was fooled into revealing the stolen food when police asked her to show them her buns and meat curtains.
A Hungarian man was inspired to find a girlfriend after reading Romeo and Juliet. He added that the play also inspired him to kill his future girlfriend’s brother before taking his own life.
To help him with his quest he’s left fliers on 300 balconies with the message “Lonely Romeo looking for his Juliet and a serious relationship.” He also left a couple fliers stating, “Bernie’s furniture store now offering 20% off all items with the purchase of a Hungarian lunatic.” So far he’s received a few phone calls, most of them inquiring if he has Prince Albert in a can.
A man with a bulge under his shirt was detained at Mexico City's airport after authorities found 18 tiny endangered monkeys in pouches attached to his girdle. Another man on the scene allegedly shouted, “That ain’t nothing. You should see the alligator I smuggled in my butthole.” Police figured out what was going on when they offered a banana to his crotch. The record, however, was 19 monkeys so all he won was jail time and several news stories about how much of an idiot he was. Just before authorities arrested the man he said, “Curious Georges, now look what you’ve done.” When asked why he was smuggling monkeys, the man explained that the monkeys were smuggling drugs and he didn’t want them to get in trouble…sort of a Russian doll of drug muling.
