Getting Topical

In an attempt to get myself to pay more attention to the news and less attention to myself, I'm going to write a couple topical jokes every day.

In a newly released tape, Mel Gibson reportedly told his girlfriend “You need an f-ing bat in the side of the head.” His girlfriend replied “I’m getting too old for this shit” and the two laughed while shooting up bad guys. Then the Jews ruined everything.

Switzerland refused to extradite Roman Polanski to the US. The US replied by refusing to know anything about Switzerland except for its cheese and army knives.

A US appeals court recently struck down the FCC’s indecency rule. What is the world coming to when the mother-fucking indecency rule is overturned? Puritans everywhere were outraged. Janet Jackson’s already getting her wardrobe ready.

The doctor behind the famous Octomom disaster was recently caught implanting 7 embryos in another lady. He was reportedly trying to build a human centipede inside of her. I can't even get a woman to let me implant 1 embryo in her, let alone a royal flush.

Scientist, Erik Verlinde, claims that gravity is merely an illusion. He discovered this theory after falling out of a tree while reaching for an apple.