ONLINE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION
DEAR DAN: My friend, John Legostein (his Jewish dad invented Legos and he’s made up), hates myspace and facebook because high school acquaintances he never wanted to see again are finding him. What would you do if you were he?
- HOPSCOTCH CHAMPION IN CHATANOOGA
DEAR HOPSCOTCH CHAMPION: I don’t care who finds me. If someone I’ve never met adds me I’ll confirm the shit out of it. “Oh you’re a sixty five year old from Wyoming who likes the look of my profile? Welcome to my top 8, friendo.”
The only reason I would hate it if old acquaintances were finding me would be if I were still getting bullied online?
“Eddy Henderson has poked you… and punched you… and called you “pubic head” while sending spitballs at your face as you visit your locker before 9th period social studies class. Check it out!”
“You’ve been laughed at by Jen Garrett and the rest of the cheerleaders. Want to return the humiliation?”
Jason Marko is asking if you want to add the “You’re a faggot” application. Confirm? Ignore? Go cry in the bathroom stall and hide there until all the busses have left?
Also Hopscotch, Sorry we couldn't meet up last night. I got back from Bethlehem, PA late last night and ended up watching the end of Milk. You were right. He does die in the end, but what you forgot to mention was that he was gay the whole time. Talk about a surprise twist and shout (that's how gay people say "surprise twist." Watch the movie again, you'll see).
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
85 Things To Include On Your To-Do List
Big fan of “to do” lists?
Success Step 1: Make sure to make long to do lists so it feels like you're accomplishing something all the time.
Once you “take a nap” then you’ve done enough for the day and can take another nap.
Success Step 2: Be an accomplisher not a belly itcher.
Some people worry that they're including too many “to dos.” They'll check off 20 things on their "100 things to do" but at the end of day realize they forgot to “sign up for health insurance” because they were busy checking off “eat apple” and "watch youTube clips."
Forget those people. As we all know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away so you don't have to worry about health insurance. These things will work themselves out in the end. You're welcome.
Success Step 1: Make sure to make long to do lists so it feels like you're accomplishing something all the time.
Once you “take a nap” then you’ve done enough for the day and can take another nap.
Success Step 2: Be an accomplisher not a belly itcher.
Some people worry that they're including too many “to dos.” They'll check off 20 things on their "100 things to do" but at the end of day realize they forgot to “sign up for health insurance” because they were busy checking off “eat apple” and "watch youTube clips."
Forget those people. As we all know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away so you don't have to worry about health insurance. These things will work themselves out in the end. You're welcome.
Friday, May 22, 2009
How To Ruin a Movie For Someone
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
16 Ways To Ruin A Complement
Are you insulted someone would complement you?
Complements drive us awkward people insane. Not like breathe fire out the ears insane. Just like hunch over and stare at the floor insane.
Why?
Complements never seem as personal as insults.
True Story:
Anyone could say, “I like your eyes” or “your hair looks nice” but it seems like a person puts real thought into saying, “Your breath smells like my asshole after a weekend at Taco Bell.”
Most people don’t want to be mean or confrontational without being funny so they take time out of their day to script something strong if they’re going to make fun of you.
Success Step 1:
If you’re ever insulted, just say, "thank you for thinking of me."
I know I appreciate insults more than complements. Also, my self-esteem might have something to do with it.
Complements drive us awkward people insane. Not like breathe fire out the ears insane. Just like hunch over and stare at the floor insane.
Why?
Complements never seem as personal as insults.
True Story:
Anyone could say, “I like your eyes” or “your hair looks nice” but it seems like a person puts real thought into saying, “Your breath smells like my asshole after a weekend at Taco Bell.”
Most people don’t want to be mean or confrontational without being funny so they take time out of their day to script something strong if they’re going to make fun of you.
Success Step 1:
If you’re ever insulted, just say, "thank you for thinking of me."
I know I appreciate insults more than complements. Also, my self-esteem might have something to do with it.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
How To Lose Listenership
Below is a WHUH Static Radio guide to gaining listenership for your community college radio station...
Step 1: Introduce Yourself. The Worst That Can Happen Is You'll Hate Everyone
Step 2: Familiarize Yourself With Your Surroundings So You Can Ambush Burglers
Step 3: Burn Bridges
Step 1: Introduce Yourself. The Worst That Can Happen Is You'll Hate Everyone
Step 2: Familiarize Yourself With Your Surroundings So You Can Ambush Burglers
Step 3: Burn Bridges
Friday, March 27, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)