Today I had a commercial audition for a psychological ward. That's right ladies, someone thought I'd be good for the part of a psycho…and I'm single. Can I get sexier?
Answer: Booyah.
I played the part of a guy who just got treated and is overcoming his psychological problems. I had to walk around and pretend to do random daily activities. Meanwhile another actor, playing my inner critic, walked closely behind me and told me I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't sure if we were shooting a commercial or an autobiographical film.
I started by mock ironing my shirt and fixing my tie. Then after two minutes I ran out of things to do so I just kept fixing my tie like I was an OCD case…just the type of person that the psych ward wants representing them.
In my own head I was self-consciously asking, "why are you fixing your tie again? That's not good acting." And in real life the other actor was saying, "Fixing your tie again, huh? You'll never get it right."
So I got flustered and it looked like I needed to go back to the psychological ward. On a positive note, they referred me to a great therapist.
That's right ladies, Sexy McSexy isn't too good for therapy.
Seriously though, call me. I miss when we used to write our initials in tree bark.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
Long-winded GPS
I like when you ask someone for directions and even though they don't know the answer, they still feel the need to waste 5 minutes of your time. Today I was asking this guy how to get to St. James Tavern:
Old Guy: St. James Tavern? Man I haven't been there in years?
Me: Alright, that's fine…
O: No, I think I remember though.
M: It's ok, I can ask someone else.
O: Isn't it over by the coffee shop, now what was the name of that shop...was it the Coffee Express, or the...
M: Thanks a lot, but I'm just going to...
O: Oh now I remember. It was the Coffee Express-o...hahah, cute shop, but yea I think it was over by the St. James Tavern...
M: Great.
O: You know who would know?
M: Someone other than you?
O: Gary would know where it is. If you make a left on Commonwealth and then a right on Beacon, Gary has a convenient store over there and he could definately tell you where the Tavern is...he's a big drinker.
M: Thanks you've been more than helpful.
O: So why do you need to get to the Tavern?
Now I feel like I have to guess ahead of time if the person is going to talk my head off:
"He's a cop, which means he should know where it is…but he's smiling which means he enjoys life and may talk too much."
"She's hot, but has a Dunkin Donuts hat on, which means she doesn't know where anything is…and I shouldn't think she's hot."
"He's miserable looking and just called me a faggot…Looks like we have a winner."
Old Guy: St. James Tavern? Man I haven't been there in years?
Me: Alright, that's fine…
O: No, I think I remember though.
M: It's ok, I can ask someone else.
O: Isn't it over by the coffee shop, now what was the name of that shop...was it the Coffee Express, or the...
M: Thanks a lot, but I'm just going to...
O: Oh now I remember. It was the Coffee Express-o...hahah, cute shop, but yea I think it was over by the St. James Tavern...
M: Great.
O: You know who would know?
M: Someone other than you?
O: Gary would know where it is. If you make a left on Commonwealth and then a right on Beacon, Gary has a convenient store over there and he could definately tell you where the Tavern is...he's a big drinker.
M: Thanks you've been more than helpful.
O: So why do you need to get to the Tavern?
Now I feel like I have to guess ahead of time if the person is going to talk my head off:
"He's a cop, which means he should know where it is…but he's smiling which means he enjoys life and may talk too much."
"She's hot, but has a Dunkin Donuts hat on, which means she doesn't know where anything is…and I shouldn't think she's hot."
"He's miserable looking and just called me a faggot…Looks like we have a winner."
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Blind Aviator Breaking My Heart
I heard a news story about a blind aviator who's flown all over the world. He's also climbed Kilimanjaro and run in the Siberian Ice Marathon. Next he wants to be the first blind aviator to break the sound barrier.
I'm afraid to walk downstairs in the dark, but this blind guy wants to fly a plane faster than sound. He ran a marathon on ice. I can't run a marathon on anything…even those conveyor belt things they have at the airport.
That's why I'm glad there's Jerry Springer. He's not educational. He just makes us feel better about where our lives are going. For every Guinness Book blind aviator, Jerry gives us a 350-pound lady with a mullet who doesn't know her baby's daddy. That puts me at ease. Otherwise I'd lose it. "This guy's blind and flies? What the hell do I do?"
I want to be the guy who makes everyone else feel like shit. "Dan, what've you been up to?"
"Not much, just wrote a novel while juggling fire over an orgy of naked Aryan women."
"Aryan women? I thought you were Jewish?"
"That's right. I'm so talented, even Aryan women will want to have an orgy under my juggling of
fire and novel writing…What'd you do today?"
"Sat on the couch and watched Jerry Springer. It was a good episode. Turns out the baby's daddy was a blind aviator…I guess you could say he landed his plane in the wrong hanger."
"I guess you could say that…listen, I just learned every Chinese word in existence so I'm going to go teach the language to underprivileged kids in Namibia."
"Peace out home slice."
"Don't ever talk to me again. You're beneath me."
I'm afraid to walk downstairs in the dark, but this blind guy wants to fly a plane faster than sound. He ran a marathon on ice. I can't run a marathon on anything…even those conveyor belt things they have at the airport.
That's why I'm glad there's Jerry Springer. He's not educational. He just makes us feel better about where our lives are going. For every Guinness Book blind aviator, Jerry gives us a 350-pound lady with a mullet who doesn't know her baby's daddy. That puts me at ease. Otherwise I'd lose it. "This guy's blind and flies? What the hell do I do?"
I want to be the guy who makes everyone else feel like shit. "Dan, what've you been up to?"
"Not much, just wrote a novel while juggling fire over an orgy of naked Aryan women."
"Aryan women? I thought you were Jewish?"
"That's right. I'm so talented, even Aryan women will want to have an orgy under my juggling of
fire and novel writing…What'd you do today?"
"Sat on the couch and watched Jerry Springer. It was a good episode. Turns out the baby's daddy was a blind aviator…I guess you could say he landed his plane in the wrong hanger."
"I guess you could say that…listen, I just learned every Chinese word in existence so I'm going to go teach the language to underprivileged kids in Namibia."
"Peace out home slice."
"Don't ever talk to me again. You're beneath me."
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