I heard a news story about a blind aviator who's flown all over the world. He's also climbed Kilimanjaro and run in the Siberian Ice Marathon. Next he wants to be the first blind aviator to break the sound barrier.
I'm afraid to walk downstairs in the dark, but this blind guy wants to fly a plane faster than sound. He ran a marathon on ice. I can't run a marathon on anything…even those conveyor belt things they have at the airport.
That's why I'm glad there's Jerry Springer. He's not educational. He just makes us feel better about where our lives are going. For every Guinness Book blind aviator, Jerry gives us a 350-pound lady with a mullet who doesn't know her baby's daddy. That puts me at ease. Otherwise I'd lose it. "This guy's blind and flies? What the hell do I do?"
I want to be the guy who makes everyone else feel like shit. "Dan, what've you been up to?"
"Not much, just wrote a novel while juggling fire over an orgy of naked Aryan women."
"Aryan women? I thought you were Jewish?"
"That's right. I'm so talented, even Aryan women will want to have an orgy under my juggling of
fire and novel writing…What'd you do today?"
"Sat on the couch and watched Jerry Springer. It was a good episode. Turns out the baby's daddy was a blind aviator…I guess you could say he landed his plane in the wrong hanger."
"I guess you could say that…listen, I just learned every Chinese word in existence so I'm going to go teach the language to underprivileged kids in Namibia."
"Peace out home slice."
"Don't ever talk to me again. You're beneath me."
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