ER

Chilled in the hospital ER yesterday.

I'd never been to one. Before now I imagined Emergency rooms looked like someone was filming a sequel to "Carrie" and the only way in was if you were hemorrhaging from the face.

There must be a "seriously this is an emergency" emergency room because people didn't seem that sick where I was.

I couldn't believe I got in. "Oh, you find it inconvenient to wait for a doctor's appointment? Sounds like an emergency. Come on in and sit with some of the most ridiculous people."

There was a guy there who was hitting on a girl two seats down from him. That's really where I'd go to hit on someone. "You got syphilis? Me too. Small world. I bet we have a lot in common. Do you also like to have sex with creepy guys you meet in the ER?"

Some people probably weren't even that sick to begin with, but got sick waiting in the emergency room. My nurse who looked sicker than anyone there. He must've been employed just to infect people in case they weren't sick enough to stay.

When I sat down all he said was "what?" He looked too tired to say anything else: the perfect person to treat me.

I assumed he wanted to know my ailments. I told him everything I could think of. For some reason I always feel like I need to impress the doctor with my fucked up diseases, like he'll be like "wow, how do you cope with that? Have a lollipop and a certificate, my wacky friend."

My nurse wasn't impressed. He just nodded.

Then, while looking at my driver's license, he said, "how do you spell your last name?"

1.) My last name is spelled the same way it appears in bold font on my driver's license.
2.) Every race, color, and creed can be found in a New York ER, yet "Hirshon" is the name that throws him.

If you have a problem reading words, maybe you shouldn't be working in a hospital. That handicap tends to cause problems.

Three hours later I got my own room for more waiting. I knew I'd miss sitting next to the skinhead with the "Kathy" neck tattoo, but was happy to get a chance to lie on one of the world's most uncomfortable patient beds. If you like a mattress made out of 2x4s covered in dirty leather and wax paper then heaven has a place for you in the ER.

Turns out I'm sick. Thank god. I was going to be pissed if I wasn't.

Getting better.