If you see something, try porn.

The New York City subway has a policy to stop crime and terrorism: "If you see something, say something."

The problem is I'm always taking naps on the subway so all I see is dreams. I report them though. I'm a samaritan like that.

I slap the emergency button, stop the subway, jump off, grab a security guard and say, “I just got laid” because even in my dreams that’s a pretty big deal.

I think about sex too much.

One reason I have trouble conversing with women is because I’m thinking about sex the whole time.
“What can I say to lead this to sex?”
Usually I choose the wrong thing to say.

Thus why I should work in the porn industry. Besides the fact I’ve watched so much porn I can write and direct it at this point, working in porn would be good for other aspects of my life:

1.) I wouldn’t think about sex as much at night because I wouldn’t want to take my job home with me after working on it 9-5 every day.

2.) My weekends would be freed up since I wouldn’t waste so much time trying to get laid.

3.) And most importantly I could focus on the more important things in life, like macramé and my attempt to get my name in the Guinness Book of World Records (most bagels eaten in a week).

So porn, here I come…on your face.