Tears About Heaven

I’m afraid heaven’s going to be like a high school reunion. I get to the clouds and people I never wanted to see again say, “Oh, it’s been so long. What’d you end up doing with your life?”
“Um, I was a temp for awhile and then I thought it’d be a good idea to try cliff diving.”
“That’s it? Who let you in here?”
But I feel better when I see the quarterback who arrived in a totaled Porsche and a heap of Coors Light empties and the Goth kids who came up early with razors and a bathtub.

Then the school shooter arrives and the bullies are like, “Hey needle dick, remember how much we beat you up in gym class? That’s nothing compared to what we’re gonna do to you now we have bullets in our faces. You know how hard it is to get laid up here with a bullet in your face?”

The worst would be to die in an office shooting cause then you have to go to heaven with everyone from work.
“Seriously, guys we’re not in the office anymore. Can’t we find something else to talk about besides the Monthly Totals? I hope I’m getting paid overtime for this.”
Your boss is waiting. “You’re late! Did you get the memo? We’re meeting at 4pm on cloud nine.”
“Wait… is this hell?”
“Hell? How could it be hell? Every day is casual Friday up here.”
Then I go and stare at the cute girl from the cubicle next to me, while God’s like, “this is heaven. You can have anyone you want. That guy bombed a temple and he’s sleeping with 72 virgins.”
And I'm like, "Look, I know I never talked to her while I was alive. This is my chance to start over."

Hell seems a bit far-fetched though. No place can be that hot all the time. The pyrotechnics and state of the art heaters alone would cost a fortune. Plus the landlord sounds like a dick.