How To Bomb Without Grace

Sexy Seniors

How To Film The Perfect Comedy Special

Ever watch a televised comedy special where the comic mentions black people before the cameras cut to black people in the audience. Black people get enough TV airtime, am I right Eskimos?

Then the comic talks about women with big breasts and the cameras cut to women with big breasts.

Comics wonder why audiences are afraid they’re going to get made fun of at comedy shows. Maybe it’s because the cameras are singling out people more than the comics.

“And what about these women who throw up in the bathroom…” Cut to a six-year old girl with a stomach virus.

“Or these sexy bloggers...” Cut to me.

“Or these pedophiles who go to comedy shows...” Cut to a guy holding stomach virus girl on his lap. He might be enjoying the joke then, but what happens when the recorded special comes out on DVD and he sees the cameras cut to him? That won’t be comfortable. We should be making our pedophiles feel special. They take the time to make our kids feel special. It’s our duty to give back.

How To Become a Scientologist

I'm becoming a Scientologist.

Scientology is one of those words that must be pronounced with the sound of laughter behind it, otherwise it has been mispronounced.

Last night, while moping around Harvard Sq., I stopped off and took a "Free" outdoor stress test.

Fun Fact: Never take a stress test when you're depressed. You will end up buying every product they're offering.

"You're right, I do feel a bit depressed. I could most definitely use that self-help guide. AND there's a supplemental CD for my listening pleasure? Sign me up."

"You have group meetings and costly psychological visits? How did you know that's what I needed?"

The stress test works as follows: You sit outside the Harvard Sq. T station, located in between two lanes of oncoming traffic. Meanwhile, heroin and coke addicts stumble by, mumbling to no one in particular, with an occasional scream for good measure. If you're not stressed from just sitting there, then you probably don't have a pulse.

While remaining seated, you hold two hollow metal rods in your palms. Each is wired into a Fisher price looking machine that you know is complete bullshit. While you ponder how long you have to sit there to remain polite, the guy asks you to tell him things you find stressful. Then the machine moves.

He says, "what's stressing you these days?"

And I say, "girls."

Then the meter arrow moves and he says, "see that? It moved. It means girls stress you out."

Yea, that's what I just told you. Thanks for analyzing and repeating the words coming from my mouth.

Then he asks me to get into my emotions and how I feel about girls. And I say, "Frustration, depression."

And the meter moves again. And he says, "see depression seems to be stressing you out."

"What kind of research did you have to do to discover that? The magic of scientology."

"Don't tell me stress is stressing me out. That's too much to handle. It stresses me out thinking about the extra stress that stress buildup ensues, caking onto my stressful stress. I have to buy another DVD to help it back down.

The next thing he said was "we have a book here on Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. It's good for people who have stress in their lives. You should get one." So it's good for everyone.

And I say, "that is the stupidest argument for a book. Everyone gets stressed out...of course I'll buy the book. What else do you have? A DVD? I'd love one, unless you have the box set, then I'm sold."

The book is 1,000 pages. I can't read more than 10 pages at a time, but for some reason I thought I could read a 1,000 page book. It looks more like a science fiction novel then a fact based self-help guide. There's a volcano erupting on the front and it says, "Bestseller."

They kept selling it as "This is sold in 50 languages and 200 countries." Like I'm gonna be like "Ok now I'll buy it. If people speaking Swahili are reading this then it must be good. I took French for 7 years and learned nothing, but the fact that there's a possibility of me reading this in French is very moving."

They defined several words in the footnotes to help you feel retarded. Some of the definitions were suspect:

Sir Isaac Newton was defined as an "idiot head."

Point is, get a book on Dianetics.

Global Shwarming My Dick Straw

My friend, P.J. Darko (Donnie's cousin), told me "some science shows the earth’s climate is shifting despite what we do and those shifts affect the earth much more than anything we control so all this hype about global warming is overblown."

Even if talk of global warming were all an excuse to stop pollution, why wouldn’t you be in favor of that?
“That power plant is so beautiful. Why would we end that over some theory about the world’s destruction? Don’t believe the bullshit. Who doesn’t love garbage pileups and spending too much on gas so our cars can fog up the air and make it harder for us to see and breathe? I love depending on resources from the Middle East where clearly there’s no conflict.”

On the other hand, some environmentalists are looking for scapegoats. Many of them are down on the Hummer because it’s supposedly a gas-guzzlers.
Personally, I don’t hate Hummers, just the people who drive them.
I do support the Hummer as a means of job security and think we should be given tanks.
“You’re firing me? No fuck that. I’ll go Tiananmen Square on your ass!”
“What happened to Larry? He was so nice when he was working in accounting.”
“After Citibank fired him the US military let him purchase weapons of mass destruction it kind of went to his head.”
More tanks, less layoffs. No one gets fired if their boss is afraid of a full blown military attack.

The best are Stretch Hummers, for anyone looking to flick off a global warming scientist.
“Oh the earth is going to die if we don’t take care of it? Fuck you. This bachelorette party requested an extra obnoxious waste of space to help them make their presence known before they run around screaming with dick straws. Everything has a purpose. You say potato, I say I could care less if the icecaps melt and drown us all. I need attention.”

Low self-esteem

Having low self-esteem is like pushing a forklift.

The whole time you’re like, “man this thing is heavy. I'm so stupid.”

And everyone else is like, “why are you pushing a forklift? Why don’t you just believe in yourself and sit down in the forklift so you can accomplish something around here?"

Then some girl is like, "I was going to fuck you but then I saw that you were pushing the forklift and I was like, ‘that guy is too weird and insecure to fuck.' So now I'm just gonna fuck the guy that rides the forklift."

And you're like, "You're gonna fuck that guy? But his job is to drive forklifts. How is it that the losers always get the girls? I'm working my ass off and that tool gets the girl."

Dancing with the Devil

While visiting my mom I watched “Dancing with the stars” for the first time. I was surprised at how easily it draws you in and makes you want to watch more, though still gets you to hate yourself the whole time you’re watching it. It’s not like heroin or coke because it doesn’t give you a high, doesn’t help you make friends or make you cool at a party, though it does kill all your time and leave you needing therapy and rehab.

The show is just editing. Pure editing. They’re taking out the boring stuff, removing what people don’t want to see and showing you made up garbage.

In the past it was writers. It was creation. It was people coming up with witticisms and new ideas and satirical voices and challenging conventions.

Now it’s “let someone blab on forever and censor them until it’s watchable.”

Before it was create characters that mimic the idiots we have to live with, applaud the actors and comics who capture those characteristics so well, and congratulate the performers who understand people so well that they can imitate them with a sense of humor.

Now we just take the actual idiots and let them talk for as long as they want and we applaud the fact that they have no people skills. All the assholes we once made fun of, they now have their own shows, and clothing lines, and perfumes, and name brands.

Who’s at fault: the producers who take advantage of the dunces on camera and the average viewer who likes watching dunces…

Or the sluts of shows like Real Life Housewives and every other show about cunty women who get their way…

Or is it the cunty women who like watching this garbage because they like to watch other cunts get their way…

Or is it the dickhead husbands who are drinking in the bar, completely oblivious to the fact comedy is dying on television because they’re too busy hitting on the drunk sluts passing out in the corner.