Man vs. Himself: Episode 2

According to sScienceNews, a product called Mycobond offers the shipping industry an alternative to the packing peanut: a new material made of inedible agricultural waste and mushroom roots. “I’ve been looking to package my fine art and fragile gifts in a compost pile” stated one hippie and no one else. Drug addicts everywhere are now getting stoned from not only receiving packages, but also mailing them. Other Mycobond packing materials include banana peels, rotten tomatoes, and dirt.

According to the sScienceNews article, the fungus-based material takes “one-eighth the energy and one tenth the carbon dioxide of traditional foam packing material,” which allows you to stick your shipping supplies in the compost bin once your package arrives. It also allows you to hold your nose every time you walk near whatever was shipped to you. Not only can you put your packing materials in the compost pile but you can also throw whatever was shipped in there as well.

Winston Churchill’s dentures have been auctioned for 15,200 pounds and awarded to a private collector. Which proves that one can be a winner and loser at the same time. Some speculate Churchill’s jock strap will go for twice as much.

Seventy pensioners, some as old as 90, have been sentenced with Anti-Social Behavior Orders as a result of late-night parties and loud music until the early morning hours at their sheltered housing estate. Those complaining included teenagers everywhere who couldn’t hear their own jacked out car speakers and heavy metal concerts.

The complaints include allegations that a new tenant had been bringing 'outsiders' into the shared common room for late night bingo sessions. “I can barely concentrate on my insomnia and back pain with all that racket,” stated one tenant.

Pfizer plans to sell a children's form of Viagra to reduce high blood pressure and treat a rare lung disorder that affects about 600 kids a year. Guys everywhere are now claiming that they suffer from a lung disorder.

Really starting to get tired of following the news

A NY mother was arrested on DWI charges after her 12-year-old daughter called 911 from vehicle. “Well that explains why she didn’t want to sit shotgun,” said the mother after being handcuffed. The mother was released on a $2,000 bond and the 12 year old was given a time out for embarrassing mommy in front of the police and Fox News crews.

A wedding photographer in Italy was shot dead after a hunting rifle he asked the bride and groom to pose with accidentally went off...thus giving a whole new meaning to the term "shotgun wedding." Oddly enough their vows were “In sickness and in health, til the sudden death of our photographer makes things really awkward.” “As if wedding planning wasn’t stressful enough,” said the bride, “I needed that like a hole in the head.”

Bullfighting was banned in the province of Catalonia, Spain. Finally, people can go back to wearing red without living in fear.

Catalonia is to a large degree self-ruling and many in Spain see the bullfighting ban as a further bid to stand out from the rest of the country. Catalonia also plans to ban tacos, sombreros, and the use of the prefix “el” before any word.

A 17-month-old Bengal tiger escaped from his owners' truck and is now roaming around Johannesburg, South Africa. Finally, a reason Americans can pay attention to events happening in South Africa. Maybe you deserve to have a tiger loose in your city if you allow people to drive around with a tiger in their truck.

Hey Dirty, Baby I Got Your Money

Topical Tuesday

According to a new ranking by Businessweek.com based on data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Louisiana is America's Laziest State. The ranking was provided by Louisiana’s dad who also called the state a “good for nothing.” So if you’re looking for a vacation spot with relaxation, look no further than the oil covered beaches of a hurricane demolished state.

The study explained that Louisianans over the course of a year spend on average 3,285 more minutes sleeping and 9,855 more minutes watching television than the national average. Also noted, the people who took the time to conduct this survey got laid 1 million minutes less than the national average.

Clean-Up Crews for BP Can't Find Crude in the Gulf. I told my boss the same thing when I didn’t want to organize the file cabinet. “Files? What files?” When asked what they thought crude oil looked like, the crew shrugged their shoulders and said “I don’t know. Gross stuff?” In order to find out where the oil is going, BP has decided to ignore warnings and safety measures so they can have another mass spill and hopefully end this frustrating mystery.

In Indiana police busted a counterfeit operation that was targeting drug dealers. In his statement, Jerry Goodin actually said, "We want all the drug dealers to call us...We want to get all of your information and exactly what happened there. We want to see what we can do to try and help you. " That being said, Goodin is also holding a party at his house if any murderers or rapists want to drop in and vent their frustrations about the counterfeiters. "Trust me," he added, "My wife makes a cheesecake that is to die for." Drug dealers are skeptical, but also not sure if it’s the drugs that’s making them paranoid.

A nine-year-old boy was forgotten in a Chicago airport waiting room Saturday for nearly eight hours after an airline representative failed to put him on a connecting flight. The boy was scared about being in an airport alone until he set up a series of booby traps, involving micro machines and paint cans. When asked why the boy wasn’t helped, airline reps explained they were too busy typing extremely fast while staring intensely at their computers. They were also too busy telling breathless men that they couldn’t “go in there” even if the love of their life was leaving on that flight and never coming back.

The NFL is producing a poster for their locker rooms that alerts its players to the effects of concussions. One NFL player who saw the poster immediately quit the NFL, stating, “I didn’t know charging full speed at a 400 lb muscle mass could be dangerous." The NFL also plans to cover their own butts by creating other posters including “dogfighting is a bad thing” and “rape is a no no.” Unfortunately those who are unable to read the concussion poster are too late to learn the message.

Headlines for 7/26

Shopkeepers of Rhinebeck are excited Chelsea Clinton has chosen their town for her wedding, but everyone donating to the event has been asked to take a confidentiality agreement. Bill’s asking this to be especially true for the cigar store.

Mexican television stations are airing complaints and comedy sketches concerning Arizona’s new law which makes it a state crime to be in the country illegally. However, no one is asking why Mexico doesn’t just stop sucking as a place to live.

The city of Minneapolis is cutting down on traffic through a series of bus only lanes, bike paths, and express lane tolls. They’ve also followed Arizona’s lead and cut down on outsiders entering the city.

Wal-Mart is putting electronic identification tags on men's clothing to gain more control of its inventory. The garments will have removable smart tags that can be read from a distance by Wal-Mart workers with scanners. The scanners are also able to tell if the customers are fooling themselves by trying to fit into a certain pair of jeans. Next month Walmart plans to have a ray gun that prevents shoppers from leaving without buying anything.

The group, Consumers Against Supermarket Privacy Invasion and Numbering, is nervous, not only about this new tracking system, but also about the possibility that they’ll have to stick with their ridiculously long name.

A teen in New Zealand is ok after falling 16 stories. The guy he fell on is not ok, however

Man vs. Himself: Episode 1