Last night, while trying to find parking in Boston, I accidentally passed a lot with one spot left. Unfortunately, I was on a one-way road, but it was a back road and there was no traffic coming.
I was running late for a show, so I began backing up and this 60-something year old security guard charged out from a nearby building like I was raiding his fortress. He clearly had little going on in his life, and he said "hey you can't do that. This is a one way street." I was afraid he might call for backup so I politely explained that I was trying to get to the parking lot I'd just passed ten feet back. "Well then you gotta drive around again." Driving around meant driving onto a three lane highway, steering my way through traffic, finding this same side street while avoid hundreds of pedestrians…not to mention I'm lazy.
So I pleaded… "Please sir, could you just let me back up ten feet," like I was Oliver Twist in a Driver's Ed video.
He chuckled, "Nope, that's why I'm here." Then stood there proudly with a "you might be 40 years younger and not a worthless security guard, but I can still piss you off" grin on his face. He was so impressed with himself that I could literally feel his diary opening up. Tonight would be the entry of his lifetime.
Normally I would sigh melodramatically and shake my head like it was a crying shame that something like this was happening in America. Then I would drive off, cursing him out behind closed windows so no one else could get offended by my insults (assface and assface fucker) and try to pick a fight with me.
I was about to do continue that tradition, when instead I remained calm, turned back and politely stated, "Sir, I hope you get run over tonight." He nodded as if he were saluting my wish. I drove off, trying to find a spot elsewhere so I didn't have to pass him again. I ended up passing him three more times before I found a spot.
I was so proud of myself that I opened my blog and wrote the entry of my lifetime.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Friday, October 6, 2006
My brother graduated from high school last Sunday. We were all very proud of accomplishments.
(Left: My brother after winning the "most Asian female looking" award. Fun Fact: He still hasn't stopped smiling out of pride.)
For those of you who havent been to a graduation recently...you might be a redneck. Hey-o.
(Fun Fact: My brother killed two birds with one stone during his wedding/graduation. You can't see it, but the dead birds are lying on the ground behind him.)
My dad made us show up an hour early to score good seats. He wanted to score front row seats so we could be bored up close. I guess he got high school graduation confused with something exciting, like going to the movies during opening weekend of Princess Diaries 2. I figured no matter where we sit, were still going to get the same view of a bunch of bored teenagers staring off into space while the school superintendent tells them to take control of their half-full glass of life and live it to the fullest.
(Left: My brother's graduation class. Looking for Waldo? He's the one on the left with his hands together and a candy cane shirt.)
The ceremony started with the principal announcing, Now presenting the Ashland High School Faculty and the faculty paraded in from the hallway all dressed up and waving to the crowd. I couldnt tell if we were supposed to cheer them on like Hollywood celebrities. The whole time my moms pointing and clapping, Oh my, theres Mr. Matthews from 8th grade history, and Miss Meyers from Health. I cant believe Im seeing her in personMiss Meyers, could you sign my shirt. Please and make it out to Carl. Hes graduating today.
Then the students marched out as slowly as possible, organizing into rows and columns for 20 minutes. They make a big production out of it like they were impressing someone. Wow, who choreographed this number? Mustve practiced this at least one time. And with those matching colors and hats, they should take this show to Broadway. Id give it a Tony Award.
Everyone was dressed in the same stupid outfit and all walking together. Whats the mentality there? After years of education where we told you to think for yourself, were going to dress all of you in the same Harry Potter jump suit and have you goosestep in unison.
Some people videotaped the whole thing and just held their cameras up above their heads. They werent even pointing them in any specific direction. I dont care if any of this is in focus, just as long as I can remember how painfully long it was later.
Cant wait to watch those tapes. Check it out. Heres the part where I fall asleep for 2 hours. I dont think you could make graduation interesting if you edited it down to a one-minute blockbuster preview. Coming this June - Kids Getting Diplomas - a High School Production.
Then they have the chorus sing the star spangled banner. Its like a professional sporting event, minus the halftime shows, beer, and action. Everyone cheered when their kid gets onstage, except my family. We just sat back, eh, been there, done that.
Then different people present speeches to address the class. They should just hand out quote books and a list of clichés in the graduation programs. That way the speakers dont have to waste our time telling us just how boring they can be. One speaker quoted Martin Van Buren. Theres a real inspirational figure in history. Right up there with James Polk and Calvin Coolidge. Martin Van Burens famous quote was, I cant believe anyone would ever quote me.
(Left: Martin on a good hair day. OMG, talk abotu split ends. You're telling me sister.)
All in all, it was quite a day. If you ever get a chance to watch someone graduate, take it. Then write a blog and see if you can make it as amazingly gripping as this one. Congratulations class of 2006.
(Left: My brother after winning the "most Asian female looking" award. Fun Fact: He still hasn't stopped smiling out of pride.)
For those of you who havent been to a graduation recently...you might be a redneck. Hey-o.
(Fun Fact: My brother killed two birds with one stone during his wedding/graduation. You can't see it, but the dead birds are lying on the ground behind him.)
My dad made us show up an hour early to score good seats. He wanted to score front row seats so we could be bored up close. I guess he got high school graduation confused with something exciting, like going to the movies during opening weekend of Princess Diaries 2. I figured no matter where we sit, were still going to get the same view of a bunch of bored teenagers staring off into space while the school superintendent tells them to take control of their half-full glass of life and live it to the fullest.
(Left: My brother's graduation class. Looking for Waldo? He's the one on the left with his hands together and a candy cane shirt.)
The ceremony started with the principal announcing, Now presenting the Ashland High School Faculty and the faculty paraded in from the hallway all dressed up and waving to the crowd. I couldnt tell if we were supposed to cheer them on like Hollywood celebrities. The whole time my moms pointing and clapping, Oh my, theres Mr. Matthews from 8th grade history, and Miss Meyers from Health. I cant believe Im seeing her in personMiss Meyers, could you sign my shirt. Please and make it out to Carl. Hes graduating today.
Then the students marched out as slowly as possible, organizing into rows and columns for 20 minutes. They make a big production out of it like they were impressing someone. Wow, who choreographed this number? Mustve practiced this at least one time. And with those matching colors and hats, they should take this show to Broadway. Id give it a Tony Award.
Everyone was dressed in the same stupid outfit and all walking together. Whats the mentality there? After years of education where we told you to think for yourself, were going to dress all of you in the same Harry Potter jump suit and have you goosestep in unison.
Some people videotaped the whole thing and just held their cameras up above their heads. They werent even pointing them in any specific direction. I dont care if any of this is in focus, just as long as I can remember how painfully long it was later.
Cant wait to watch those tapes. Check it out. Heres the part where I fall asleep for 2 hours. I dont think you could make graduation interesting if you edited it down to a one-minute blockbuster preview. Coming this June - Kids Getting Diplomas - a High School Production.
Then they have the chorus sing the star spangled banner. Its like a professional sporting event, minus the halftime shows, beer, and action. Everyone cheered when their kid gets onstage, except my family. We just sat back, eh, been there, done that.
Then different people present speeches to address the class. They should just hand out quote books and a list of clichés in the graduation programs. That way the speakers dont have to waste our time telling us just how boring they can be. One speaker quoted Martin Van Buren. Theres a real inspirational figure in history. Right up there with James Polk and Calvin Coolidge. Martin Van Burens famous quote was, I cant believe anyone would ever quote me.
(Left: Martin on a good hair day. OMG, talk abotu split ends. You're telling me sister.)
All in all, it was quite a day. If you ever get a chance to watch someone graduate, take it. Then write a blog and see if you can make it as amazingly gripping as this one. Congratulations class of 2006.
A True Coming of Race & Gender Story
Apparently Im a black woman.
I had an audition last Friday for what I thought was a stock footage shoot. I think that means that they need people to stand in the background of a photo shoot. I dont really understand what it was. I just sign up for things and hope for the best. Its one of the reasons I have no money and a bad case of rabies now.
Regardless, I was excited. You know youre career is on a roll when youre applying for auditions to be an extra in a magazine advertisement. Thats how most Hollywood stars get discovered. Heath Ledger was seen drinking out of a water fountain in the background of a Camel Cigarette ad and the execs were like, "this guy would be great in our movie. Just look at the way he bends over."
A day before I received a mass email about the photo advertisement audition. I emailed the agency a headshot as the email requested and was later given an audition time and place. Im pretty good at not moving, so I figured the camera would love me.
When I arrive at the audition, everyone else there is an African American woman. I think "maybe theyre here for something else" or "maybe I'm early" or (and this is where I get modest) "maybe I had the only white male headshot that they liked so thats why theres no other men or Caucasian people here."
Theres a posted flier that reads, Make sure you are available for the following shoot dates:
August 8: African Americans
August 9: Latinos
I read the flier at least four times trying to make sure Im not overlooking the day when stupid white males are going to be magazine extras.
I sit down and start filling out the application, circling answers like white and pale skin and while Im doing so, more and more African American women are showing up for the audition.
Finally a man (the only man there) walks out, calls "Dan Hirshon?" and when I get up and introduce myself, he smiles and turns quickly so as not to laugh in my face.
Inside the room, I stand in the middle and the guy takes a picture of me. In the back of the room is another African American woman, who had a similar "this kid's either a moron or the ugliest black woman I've ever seen" grin on her face.
I give a big smile for the camera, take the picture, and leave. I guess they thought it would be too awkward to do anything else so they just took my picture and told me they'd call me when Big: The Sequel comes out (In the sequel, instead of wishing to be bigger, Tom Hanks wishes the genie to make him more of a black woman).
The thing I didnt get was that I emailed them my headshot and they replied with an audition time. So my guess is that my headshot makes me look like a black woman. Its a very dark picture and my hair helps.
Watch me get pigeon-holed into that role. "Have you seen Dan Hirshon's act?"
"You mean that black woman who talks about how she can never get laid as a pale skinned Jewish boy?"
"Yea, she has a unique look. I think we should have her in the house for the next Last Comic Standing."
Booya.
I had an audition last Friday for what I thought was a stock footage shoot. I think that means that they need people to stand in the background of a photo shoot. I dont really understand what it was. I just sign up for things and hope for the best. Its one of the reasons I have no money and a bad case of rabies now.
Regardless, I was excited. You know youre career is on a roll when youre applying for auditions to be an extra in a magazine advertisement. Thats how most Hollywood stars get discovered. Heath Ledger was seen drinking out of a water fountain in the background of a Camel Cigarette ad and the execs were like, "this guy would be great in our movie. Just look at the way he bends over."
A day before I received a mass email about the photo advertisement audition. I emailed the agency a headshot as the email requested and was later given an audition time and place. Im pretty good at not moving, so I figured the camera would love me.
When I arrive at the audition, everyone else there is an African American woman. I think "maybe theyre here for something else" or "maybe I'm early" or (and this is where I get modest) "maybe I had the only white male headshot that they liked so thats why theres no other men or Caucasian people here."
Theres a posted flier that reads, Make sure you are available for the following shoot dates:
August 8: African Americans
August 9: Latinos
I read the flier at least four times trying to make sure Im not overlooking the day when stupid white males are going to be magazine extras.
I sit down and start filling out the application, circling answers like white and pale skin and while Im doing so, more and more African American women are showing up for the audition.
Finally a man (the only man there) walks out, calls "Dan Hirshon?" and when I get up and introduce myself, he smiles and turns quickly so as not to laugh in my face.
Inside the room, I stand in the middle and the guy takes a picture of me. In the back of the room is another African American woman, who had a similar "this kid's either a moron or the ugliest black woman I've ever seen" grin on her face.
I give a big smile for the camera, take the picture, and leave. I guess they thought it would be too awkward to do anything else so they just took my picture and told me they'd call me when Big: The Sequel comes out (In the sequel, instead of wishing to be bigger, Tom Hanks wishes the genie to make him more of a black woman).
The thing I didnt get was that I emailed them my headshot and they replied with an audition time. So my guess is that my headshot makes me look like a black woman. Its a very dark picture and my hair helps.
Watch me get pigeon-holed into that role. "Have you seen Dan Hirshon's act?"
"You mean that black woman who talks about how she can never get laid as a pale skinned Jewish boy?"
"Yea, she has a unique look. I think we should have her in the house for the next Last Comic Standing."
Booya.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
IMPORTANT: MAKE SURE TO READ
IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ:
Today the mayor of Alaska announced that mass paper shredding will begin throughout the continent due a recent bill that was passed by the Congressional Order. If this bill is passed by Senate it could devastate a lot of things that live in Alaska. Since the government isnt listening to people with authority, a chain letter has been started to waste everyones time. Please sign this petition and blog it on your MySpace site. If over 1,000,000 people blog this petition than the Congressional Senate Party of Alaska will know that 1,000,000 wasted their time reading this.
Also, if you dont blog this or send it in a chain email to at least 10 people over the next hour you will die from a paper cut and your parents will read your diary at the funeral and laugh at it (If this threat does not apply to you then insert the threat youll get herpes!)
Signed:
Jason Denison (Appleton, AK)
Rita McKormick (Holton, AK)
Katy Decker (Beaverden, OK)
Ben Kyle (Clevester, TN)
TJ Mittleman (Allentown, PA)
Dan Hirshon (Boston, MA)
Today the mayor of Alaska announced that mass paper shredding will begin throughout the continent due a recent bill that was passed by the Congressional Order. If this bill is passed by Senate it could devastate a lot of things that live in Alaska. Since the government isnt listening to people with authority, a chain letter has been started to waste everyones time. Please sign this petition and blog it on your MySpace site. If over 1,000,000 people blog this petition than the Congressional Senate Party of Alaska will know that 1,000,000 wasted their time reading this.
Also, if you dont blog this or send it in a chain email to at least 10 people over the next hour you will die from a paper cut and your parents will read your diary at the funeral and laugh at it (If this threat does not apply to you then insert the threat youll get herpes!)
Signed:
Jason Denison (Appleton, AK)
Rita McKormick (Holton, AK)
Katy Decker (Beaverden, OK)
Ben Kyle (Clevester, TN)
TJ Mittleman (Allentown, PA)
Dan Hirshon (Boston, MA)
Friday, May 5, 2006
The Adventures of Smashman
As if I didn't feel creepy enough...
In college, my rowing team needed the money. We tried all kinds of fundraising, car washes, concession stands, mafia hits.
At one point we got an email from a guy who called himself Smashman. Apparently, Smashman likes to lie down and have people stand on him. In fact, he travels around the world, having everyone from fraternities to football teams stand on him. He figured he could help our crew team raise some money by having us stand on him while an audience bet how much weight he could take.
He (a small 145 lb man) ended up having about 6 guys, weighing a total of over 700 pounds stand on him and we raised about ten dollars. It was an awkward time in all our lives, but we did it for the sake of oarsmen in spandex. I think right after the cure for cancer, thats the next biggest priority.
Fast forward to now. My old crew buddy was surfing the internet and came across this story. Its pretty creepy and helps me feel even creepier for knowing Smashman (Still nowhere near as creepy as Owen Bowness.)
http://www.extremskater.de/stories/stories_1/stories_10_english/stories_10_english.html
In college, my rowing team needed the money. We tried all kinds of fundraising, car washes, concession stands, mafia hits.
At one point we got an email from a guy who called himself Smashman. Apparently, Smashman likes to lie down and have people stand on him. In fact, he travels around the world, having everyone from fraternities to football teams stand on him. He figured he could help our crew team raise some money by having us stand on him while an audience bet how much weight he could take.
He (a small 145 lb man) ended up having about 6 guys, weighing a total of over 700 pounds stand on him and we raised about ten dollars. It was an awkward time in all our lives, but we did it for the sake of oarsmen in spandex. I think right after the cure for cancer, thats the next biggest priority.
Fast forward to now. My old crew buddy was surfing the internet and came across this story. Its pretty creepy and helps me feel even creepier for knowing Smashman (Still nowhere near as creepy as Owen Bowness.)
http://www.extremskater.de/stories/stories_1/stories_10_english/stories_10_english.html
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)