I've said too much

Apparently the world can't stress this enough…I'm awkward.

The other day I was carrying a Netflix package to the mailbox. Some girls were walking behind me and one randomly shouted, "YEEAAAH NETFLIX…WHAOOH!"

Normally I wouldn't have said anything because I'm scared of social interaction and people, but because I'd touched a boob the night before, I was feeling confident and friendly…so I turned around and answered, "Yep, Netflix, it's pretty good stuff."
Of course, all of the girls were silent then…like I was the crazy one.

But when I turned back around to walk away, the same girl as before said, "YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO BLOCKBUSTER."
Not having learned my lesson the first time, I turned around again and asked, "Really you think I should switch to Blockbuster? I kind of like Netflix. It's cheap and very convenient…" at which point I felt awkward so I added, "I don't know why I'm advertising Netflix to you randomly on the street…" at which point I trailed off and turned back around.
From behind me I could hear the girl say, "Let's just cross the street now."

Which goes to show…if a crazy person talks to you, don't talk back…you're just going to seem even crazier in the long run. (See Mike Birbiglia's joke on moving in for a shorter and better example of this)

* * * * * *

I had a dream last night where I was trying to tell that Netflix story as a joke to an audience. I think it was in New Hampshire because I wasn't having fun. Also, a guy was leading a kangaroo around the room and I was at the center of a circus ring with six people in the audience sitting on opposite sides of the room, so it was clearly New Hampshire.

I started the story by asking, "Do you know about Netflix?" to this guy in the audience…and some lady behind me yells to her drunken friend, "Why is he explaining the jokes so much?" And then I think the dream ended where I called the lady a bitch and quickly got the audience to hate me.

The problem is that I don't know how to benefit from my dreams. In the movie, "A Christmas Carol," Ebenezer Scrooge has a dream where someone tells him to change, he has an epiphany, wakes up and gives a turkey to Tiny Tim. My New Hampshire dream is probably an example of that, but instead of waking up and having an epiphany, I just woke up and said, "Well that was a weird dream. Oh, it's only 7 in the morning…back to bed." Just a tip, if someone in your dream tells you to "stop over-explaining jokes," don't wake up and write a blog where you over-explain the entire subject. You will end up spending too long editing the blog and leave feeling unfullfilled.

Hostile toward Hostel...Heyo still!

I heard that Hostel II makes first Hostel look like a children's movie. Take that Hostel I.

In the first Hostel a girl's eyeball hangs out of the socket, a guy has his head chopped off, and another guy has his ankles sliced open before the rest of his body is gutted and sewed shut...they obviously stole the script from Toy Story.

I guess to top the first movie Hostel II must have an executioner reach through someone's mouth, pull out their entire skeletal structure, then carve a Christmas tree shaped hole in the body with a chain saw, insert an actual Christmas tree, turn on the lights, and electrocute the boneless corpse. It'll be like the game, "Operation," except instead of tweezering out fake organs from Rudolph the red nose cartoon nudist, you're supplanting a 7-foot, pine covered taser.

I don't understand why gore movies are so popular anyway. Comedies are meant to make us laugh, good dramas are meant to make us think, gore is meant to gross us out.

"I'm not in the mood to laugh and be happy, I'd rather feel completely nauseas during my two hours away from reality. I got laid off from work and can't get laid at home…you know what I need…a stomachache and a traumatic experience that'll haunt me for at least a week, if not a lifetime. Not is my life falling apart…but so is this guy's backbone when he gets pelted by a nail gun while his earlobes are stapled to a bridge. Ecstasy at last."

The problem is the sequels try to top each other by getting more ridiculous. In Saw the bad guy finds someone who's depressed and says, "let's play a game…I'm going to make you saw through your leg in order to save your own life. If you succeed it means that you still care about life."

By the time it gets to Saw III it seems like just about everyone is depressed. "Let's play a game…all day you work as a brain surgeon and that makes you tired…pussy…if you want to save your own life you need to cut open your medulla oblongata and pull out the key to unlock the torture device that's attached to your eyelids…if you can do that in 30 seconds than your face won't turn into a taco salad because you're such a miserable person…the scavenger hunt through your brain starts now."

"Let's play a game...you do comedy at open mics for no money and work in life insurance during the day. If you can wear these suspenders and smash a water melon onstage at least one show a day for the rest of your life, you can have Gallagher's career."

Sometimes gore movies will star a sadistic dentist. Going to the dentist already feels like I'm in a gore movie. If I were at a sadistic dentist's office, I wouldn't know the difference.

"Alright, I'm gonna have to pull your jaws apart like King Kong on a T-Rex and skewer your gums with this miniature jousting lance until they're flooding blood in multiple locations."

"Sounds good as long as I get a free toothbrush at the end of my visit."

So if you want to see Hostel II, let me know. I'd kind of like to go.

Another killer audition...this time it wasn't all black women

Today I had a commercial audition for a psychological ward. That's right ladies, someone thought I'd be good for the part of a psycho…and I'm single. Can I get sexier?

Answer: Booyah.

I played the part of a guy who just got treated and is overcoming his psychological problems. I had to walk around and pretend to do random daily activities. Meanwhile another actor, playing my inner critic, walked closely behind me and told me I was doing everything wrong. I wasn't sure if we were shooting a commercial or an autobiographical film.

I started by mock ironing my shirt and fixing my tie. Then after two minutes I ran out of things to do so I just kept fixing my tie like I was an OCD case…just the type of person that the psych ward wants representing them.

In my own head I was self-consciously asking, "why are you fixing your tie again? That's not good acting." And in real life the other actor was saying, "Fixing your tie again, huh? You'll never get it right."
So I got flustered and it looked like I needed to go back to the psychological ward. On a positive note, they referred me to a great therapist.

That's right ladies, Sexy McSexy isn't too good for therapy.

Seriously though, call me. I miss when we used to write our initials in tree bark.

Long-winded GPS

I like when you ask someone for directions and even though they don't know the answer, they still feel the need to waste 5 minutes of your time. Today I was asking this guy how to get to St. James Tavern:

Old Guy: St. James Tavern? Man I haven't been there in years?
Me: Alright, that's fine…
O: No, I think I remember though.
M: It's ok, I can ask someone else.
O: Isn't it over by the coffee shop, now what was the name of that shop...was it the Coffee Express, or the...
M: Thanks a lot, but I'm just going to...
O: Oh now I remember. It was the Coffee Express-o...hahah, cute shop, but yea I think it was over by the St. James Tavern...
M: Great.
O: You know who would know?
M: Someone other than you?
O: Gary would know where it is. If you make a left on Commonwealth and then a right on Beacon, Gary has a convenient store over there and he could definately tell you where the Tavern is...he's a big drinker.
M: Thanks you've been more than helpful.
O: So why do you need to get to the Tavern?

Now I feel like I have to guess ahead of time if the person is going to talk my head off:
"He's a cop, which means he should know where it is…but he's smiling which means he enjoys life and may talk too much."

"She's hot, but has a Dunkin Donuts hat on, which means she doesn't know where anything is…and I shouldn't think she's hot."

"He's miserable looking and just called me a faggot…Looks like we have a winner."

Blind Aviator Breaking My Heart

I heard a news story about a blind aviator who's flown all over the world. He's also climbed Kilimanjaro and run in the Siberian Ice Marathon. Next he wants to be the first blind aviator to break the sound barrier.

I'm afraid to walk downstairs in the dark, but this blind guy wants to fly a plane faster than sound. He ran a marathon on ice. I can't run a marathon on anything…even those conveyor belt things they have at the airport.

That's why I'm glad there's Jerry Springer. He's not educational. He just makes us feel better about where our lives are going. For every Guinness Book blind aviator, Jerry gives us a 350-pound lady with a mullet who doesn't know her baby's daddy. That puts me at ease. Otherwise I'd lose it. "This guy's blind and flies? What the hell do I do?"

I want to be the guy who makes everyone else feel like shit. "Dan, what've you been up to?"

"Not much, just wrote a novel while juggling fire over an orgy of naked Aryan women."

"Aryan women? I thought you were Jewish?"

"That's right. I'm so talented, even Aryan women will want to have an orgy under my juggling of
fire and novel writing…What'd you do today?"

"Sat on the couch and watched Jerry Springer. It was a good episode. Turns out the baby's daddy was a blind aviator…I guess you could say he landed his plane in the wrong hanger."

"I guess you could say that…listen, I just learned every Chinese word in existence so I'm going to go teach the language to underprivileged kids in Namibia."

"Peace out home slice."

"Don't ever talk to me again. You're beneath me."

The Good, The Bad, and I'm an Idiot

Yesterday I watched "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" for the first time in my life so that people would stop telling me that I'm deprived for never seeing it. "You've never seen The Good, The Bad, and Ugly? I'll bet you haven't seen 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' or 'Gremlins 2.' Who raised you? What kind of film major are you? Why am I still talking to you?"

Despite the fact that it was blatantly obvious from the beginning of the movie, I didn't realize that Clint Eastwood's partner was "the Ugly" until about two thirds of the way into the movie. I figured there were two different tan characters with a lot of facial hair who shot people. Most of the movie I was thinking, "This is a good movie. They've established the good and the bad…but when does the ugly show up?"

I did the same thing with Nirvana. A couple years ago I saw an old concert of theirs on MTV and I thought it was live. I told my friend, "Man, the new lead singer for Nirvana looks just like Kurt Cobain. And he sounds like him too. I wonder how they found someone so similar."

Can you disown yourself?

Talent Shows

The other night I competed in a talent show contest against a man who snorted a condom up his nose before pulling it out of his mouth…then ate glass…then, with a baseball bat, nailed a long spike into his nostril and had a girl pull it out with her teeth, and then stuck a skewer through both of his cheeks…he lost.

I lost, telling jokes. This guy lost after having had blood pour out from his body.

I don't know how guys like that learn that that's they're calling. Some people say, "Today I'm going to get a job and really make something of myself." Others say, "I think I'll hammer a nail into my nostril. It only makes sense. If I can already snort an entire condom through my nose, I should also have a nail in there too."

I wonder if we can all do that. Maybe their bodies aren't deformed. They just have more time on their hands. Like if I wanted to, I could pull my liver out through my ear, I've just never dedicated the time to try it. "Hey what do you know? It is possible."

People like that shouldn't be in the circus. They should be spies. If they are captured, they still won't release confidential information.
"You're going to talk buddy. Or else…"
"Or else what?"
"Or else we hammer a nail into your head."
"Nice. I did that onstage the other day. You guys are gonna love it."
"What?"
"Yea, but it's going to cost you if you want to book me for that."
"Damn it. Why'd we kidnap the fucking stuntman?"
"If you want, I can also prop this electric chair on my chin and then swallow it whole.

I also saw a guy who swallowed a sword. When watching a guy swallow a sword is not the most impressive part of your night, that's a good night. Previously my best night included watching my friend try to sing "Sweet Caroline" on karaoke night.