Man vs. Himself: Episode 2

According to sScienceNews, a product called Mycobond offers the shipping industry an alternative to the packing peanut: a new material made of inedible agricultural waste and mushroom roots. “I’ve been looking to package my fine art and fragile gifts in a compost pile” stated one hippie and no one else. Drug addicts everywhere are now getting stoned from not only receiving packages, but also mailing them. Other Mycobond packing materials include banana peels, rotten tomatoes, and dirt.

According to the sScienceNews article, the fungus-based material takes “one-eighth the energy and one tenth the carbon dioxide of traditional foam packing material,” which allows you to stick your shipping supplies in the compost bin once your package arrives. It also allows you to hold your nose every time you walk near whatever was shipped to you. Not only can you put your packing materials in the compost pile but you can also throw whatever was shipped in there as well.

Winston Churchill’s dentures have been auctioned for 15,200 pounds and awarded to a private collector. Which proves that one can be a winner and loser at the same time. Some speculate Churchill’s jock strap will go for twice as much.

Seventy pensioners, some as old as 90, have been sentenced with Anti-Social Behavior Orders as a result of late-night parties and loud music until the early morning hours at their sheltered housing estate. Those complaining included teenagers everywhere who couldn’t hear their own jacked out car speakers and heavy metal concerts.

The complaints include allegations that a new tenant had been bringing 'outsiders' into the shared common room for late night bingo sessions. “I can barely concentrate on my insomnia and back pain with all that racket,” stated one tenant.

Pfizer plans to sell a children's form of Viagra to reduce high blood pressure and treat a rare lung disorder that affects about 600 kids a year. Guys everywhere are now claiming that they suffer from a lung disorder.

Really starting to get tired of following the news

A NY mother was arrested on DWI charges after her 12-year-old daughter called 911 from vehicle. “Well that explains why she didn’t want to sit shotgun,” said the mother after being handcuffed. The mother was released on a $2,000 bond and the 12 year old was given a time out for embarrassing mommy in front of the police and Fox News crews.

A wedding photographer in Italy was shot dead after a hunting rifle he asked the bride and groom to pose with accidentally went off...thus giving a whole new meaning to the term "shotgun wedding." Oddly enough their vows were “In sickness and in health, til the sudden death of our photographer makes things really awkward.” “As if wedding planning wasn’t stressful enough,” said the bride, “I needed that like a hole in the head.”

Bullfighting was banned in the province of Catalonia, Spain. Finally, people can go back to wearing red without living in fear.

Catalonia is to a large degree self-ruling and many in Spain see the bullfighting ban as a further bid to stand out from the rest of the country. Catalonia also plans to ban tacos, sombreros, and the use of the prefix “el” before any word.

A 17-month-old Bengal tiger escaped from his owners' truck and is now roaming around Johannesburg, South Africa. Finally, a reason Americans can pay attention to events happening in South Africa. Maybe you deserve to have a tiger loose in your city if you allow people to drive around with a tiger in their truck.

Hey Dirty, Baby I Got Your Money

Topical Tuesday

According to a new ranking by Businessweek.com based on data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Louisiana is America's Laziest State. The ranking was provided by Louisiana’s dad who also called the state a “good for nothing.” So if you’re looking for a vacation spot with relaxation, look no further than the oil covered beaches of a hurricane demolished state.

The study explained that Louisianans over the course of a year spend on average 3,285 more minutes sleeping and 9,855 more minutes watching television than the national average. Also noted, the people who took the time to conduct this survey got laid 1 million minutes less than the national average.

Clean-Up Crews for BP Can't Find Crude in the Gulf. I told my boss the same thing when I didn’t want to organize the file cabinet. “Files? What files?” When asked what they thought crude oil looked like, the crew shrugged their shoulders and said “I don’t know. Gross stuff?” In order to find out where the oil is going, BP has decided to ignore warnings and safety measures so they can have another mass spill and hopefully end this frustrating mystery.

In Indiana police busted a counterfeit operation that was targeting drug dealers. In his statement, Jerry Goodin actually said, "We want all the drug dealers to call us...We want to get all of your information and exactly what happened there. We want to see what we can do to try and help you. " That being said, Goodin is also holding a party at his house if any murderers or rapists want to drop in and vent their frustrations about the counterfeiters. "Trust me," he added, "My wife makes a cheesecake that is to die for." Drug dealers are skeptical, but also not sure if it’s the drugs that’s making them paranoid.

A nine-year-old boy was forgotten in a Chicago airport waiting room Saturday for nearly eight hours after an airline representative failed to put him on a connecting flight. The boy was scared about being in an airport alone until he set up a series of booby traps, involving micro machines and paint cans. When asked why the boy wasn’t helped, airline reps explained they were too busy typing extremely fast while staring intensely at their computers. They were also too busy telling breathless men that they couldn’t “go in there” even if the love of their life was leaving on that flight and never coming back.

The NFL is producing a poster for their locker rooms that alerts its players to the effects of concussions. One NFL player who saw the poster immediately quit the NFL, stating, “I didn’t know charging full speed at a 400 lb muscle mass could be dangerous." The NFL also plans to cover their own butts by creating other posters including “dogfighting is a bad thing” and “rape is a no no.” Unfortunately those who are unable to read the concussion poster are too late to learn the message.

Headlines for 7/26

Shopkeepers of Rhinebeck are excited Chelsea Clinton has chosen their town for her wedding, but everyone donating to the event has been asked to take a confidentiality agreement. Bill’s asking this to be especially true for the cigar store.

Mexican television stations are airing complaints and comedy sketches concerning Arizona’s new law which makes it a state crime to be in the country illegally. However, no one is asking why Mexico doesn’t just stop sucking as a place to live.

The city of Minneapolis is cutting down on traffic through a series of bus only lanes, bike paths, and express lane tolls. They’ve also followed Arizona’s lead and cut down on outsiders entering the city.

Wal-Mart is putting electronic identification tags on men's clothing to gain more control of its inventory. The garments will have removable smart tags that can be read from a distance by Wal-Mart workers with scanners. The scanners are also able to tell if the customers are fooling themselves by trying to fit into a certain pair of jeans. Next month Walmart plans to have a ray gun that prevents shoppers from leaving without buying anything.

The group, Consumers Against Supermarket Privacy Invasion and Numbering, is nervous, not only about this new tracking system, but also about the possibility that they’ll have to stick with their ridiculously long name.

A teen in New Zealand is ok after falling 16 stories. The guy he fell on is not ok, however

Man vs. Himself: Episode 1

Topical

British drinks company announces new Lady Gaga flavored tea. Early testers say it's easy to become addicted to the tea even though you can't stand anything about it and feel guilty for liking it.

Senate's voting today to extend unemployment benefits. Right now I would kill for a job with a company that finds me expendable.

New books are dealing with fart jokes to get boys to read more. Many young men are turning to careers in sanitation and standup comedy.

New Video From Grandma's Favorite

The Club

Produced by Grandma's Favorite

Edited by Me

With Jay Nog, Lance Weiss, Joe Larson, Aaron-Kominos Smith, Brendan Fitzgibbons, Cory Jarvis, and myself.

Enjoy...

I am so God Damned Topical

A 26-year-old Russian artist, Victoria, is claiming to have developed a new artistic form — painting with her breasts. Finally people can appreciate women for their breasts. When reporters arrived to look at the artwork, one painting commented “Um, I’m up here.” Once considered superficial, boob jobs are now seen as a means to artistic expression.

Mel Gibson’s rep denies rumors that the actor is fleeing to Australia as he’s investigated for domestic violence against ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, stating the actor is “focusing on work.” By “work” he means slandering the Jews, driving drunk, and making another movie where he plays a psycho.

A recent study found that students returning from studying abroad have both higher GPAs and higher graduation rates than similar students who stayed home for their entire college careers. Students are now racing down to spend a year in Cancun so as to raise their GPA. However, some students failed exams due to spending so much time on scrap-booking their pictures and talking about how like totally amazing it was to experience another culture.

A beer cooler is credited with saving two men from drowning in the Chesapeake Bay. Unfortunately most of the beer was lost as the men had to send messages in each bottle to attract search parties around the bay. Luckily Sting was there to find each bottle and send out an SOS. In other news, an eight-ball was credited with saving a cokehead from feeling the pavement when he jumped off his roof.

A woman in line at McDonald’s bought a sandwich and stuffed it down her pants, saying her order had been shorted and she deserved a free one. I like free food as much as the next drunk psycho who goes into a South Carolinan McDonald’s and screams obscenities at the employees, but I’m not about to tarnish some perfectly good faux meat between two crumbly, stale, white buns by sticking it down my pants. Authorities say it was the second fastest time a McDonald’s meal has ever made it to someone’s pants. When police questioned her, the woman said that the fast food had simply gone straight to her thighs. Claiming she needed to exercise it off, the woman promptly ran away from the police. The woman was fooled into revealing the stolen food when police asked her to show them her buns and meat curtains.

A Hungarian man was inspired to find a girlfriend after reading Romeo and Juliet. He added that the play also inspired him to kill his future girlfriend’s brother before taking his own life.

To help him with his quest he’s left fliers on 300 balconies with the message “Lonely Romeo looking for his Juliet and a serious relationship.” He also left a couple fliers stating, “Bernie’s furniture store now offering 20% off all items with the purchase of a Hungarian lunatic.” So far he’s received a few phone calls, most of them inquiring if he has Prince Albert in a can.

A man with a bulge under his shirt was detained at Mexico City's airport after authorities found 18 tiny endangered monkeys in pouches attached to his girdle. Another man on the scene allegedly shouted, “That ain’t nothing. You should see the alligator I smuggled in my butthole.” Police figured out what was going on when they offered a banana to his crotch. The record, however, was 19 monkeys so all he won was jail time and several news stories about how much of an idiot he was. Just before authorities arrested the man he said, “Curious Georges, now look what you’ve done.” When asked why he was smuggling monkeys, the man explained that the monkeys were smuggling drugs and he didn’t want them to get in trouble…sort of a Russian doll of drug muling.

Day 3 of Staying Topical

Day 3 of staying topical...Now I know why it's so hard to be CNN. You have to do a lot of reading and stuff. Anywho...

The Vatican issued new rules to make it easier to discipline priests for sex abuse cases. The discipline involves a spanking behind closed doors done by an alter-boy of their choosing.

John Daly hit the British Open with lavender paisley pants, a peach shirt, and a blue sweater, what he describes as “good luck start pants,” as in “good luck getting laid.” They provide good luck as every other player is too distracted to hit well. To increase his good luck, Daly plans to also wear a bedazzled headdress and clown makeup.

The Norwegian Epic, the 200 foot tall cruise ship, boasts 19 decks, three water slides, the ability to host 4,200 guests, is worth $1 billion…And is shaped like a middle finger for homeless people everywhere. James Cameron is already planning his sequel to Titanic.

The ship also offers three amusement park-quality water slides, a full-sized basketball court, batting cage, 33-foot-high climbing wall, spa, and Fitness Center. So you can do all the things you’ve wanted to do with the added benefit of sea sickness.

A Nestle SA subsidiary has agreed to drop advertising claims that its children’s drink, "BOOST Kid Essentials" prevents colds and flu. They added, “We’re not, however, taking back our statement that our candy bars can beat chicken pox and super villains.”

More on the topic of Today

Day 2 of topical jokes. I'm really beginning to get a perspective on world events. By the end of the week I should be able to run for president.

For the first time in 25 years, medical experts are proposing a major change in the criteria for Alzheimer's disease. Now if you forget to say "excuse me" after belching, you have Alzheimer’s.

A new report says child labor is widespread on farms that supply Philip Morris’s cigarette factory in Kazakhstan. Just goes to show two wrongs do make a right.

In all fairness, the company provides the children with free packs of cigarettes so they can feel cooler while working for 5 cents an hour.

You know what they say: smoke em if you got em, and by “em” I mean desperate migrant children who're willing to work for far below minimum wage.

They say the children are being exposed to tobacco which can lead to addiction. However, they do look cool during their smoke breaks.

The National League won the All-star game, snapping a losing streak that dates back to 1996. Oddly enough this is the same record my friend, Andy, has with women in every league.

Scientists recently published a report that people who sit more, have a better chance of heart disease. Luckily I was reading this article while lying down.

They said exercise does not undo the problems that come with sitting for hours at a time. Finally, an excuse to not exercise.

Web designer, Paul D. Ceglia claims that a 2003 contract with Facebook and its creator, Mark Zuckerberg, entitles Ceglia to 84 percent of the company. Zuckerberg promptly defriended Ceglia just after tagging Ceglia in a nasty status update about his mom.

Whoopi Goldberg said on the View that Mel Gibson is not a racist. "He is however a huge anti-semite," she added, "which is why I told him my name was Whoopi Black."

The Environmental Working Group released its fourth annual Sunscreen Guide, citing that overuse of sunscreen could be responsible for low vitamin D levels. They also cited that slathering an entire bottle of sunblock on your nose could be responsible for your lack of sex.

They also discovered that vegetables will give you conjunctivitis and polio so as to make it impossible to believe anything is healthy.

Shares of Apple Inc. slid more than 4 percent yesterday after a poor review for its iPhone 4 from an influential consumer guide. The guide stated that the iphone 4 had signal loss when turned a certain way. Apple released a statement, “yea, but we have an application that allows you to fly so we should be even.”

UK researchers found that the chicken did officially come before the egg because eggs can only be formed through the presence of a protein found in chickens' ovaries. Next the UK is going to spend millions of tax dollars researching why the chicken crossed the road.

The UK researchers then confessed that they were serious and that this wasn’t an article in The Onion.

Kids with cancer everywhere were overjoyed to hear about this scientific breakthrough, asking, “Which came first, your years of wasted energy on a question that no one actually cared about or my extreme depression over having a life-threatening disease that doesn’t seem to be getting cured anytime soon.”

Unable to detect sarcasm, the UK researchers began working on an answer.

Getting Topical

In an attempt to get myself to pay more attention to the news and less attention to myself, I'm going to write a couple topical jokes every day.

In a newly released tape, Mel Gibson reportedly told his girlfriend “You need an f-ing bat in the side of the head.” His girlfriend replied “I’m getting too old for this shit” and the two laughed while shooting up bad guys. Then the Jews ruined everything.

Switzerland refused to extradite Roman Polanski to the US. The US replied by refusing to know anything about Switzerland except for its cheese and army knives.

A US appeals court recently struck down the FCC’s indecency rule. What is the world coming to when the mother-fucking indecency rule is overturned? Puritans everywhere were outraged. Janet Jackson’s already getting her wardrobe ready.

The doctor behind the famous Octomom disaster was recently caught implanting 7 embryos in another lady. He was reportedly trying to build a human centipede inside of her. I can't even get a woman to let me implant 1 embryo in her, let alone a royal flush.

Scientist, Erik Verlinde, claims that gravity is merely an illusion. He discovered this theory after falling out of a tree while reaching for an apple.

Marley & Me: The Twilight Years

Shot a video with my new group, "Grandma's Favorite."

For more of our stuff, check out www.youtube.com/user/GrandmasFavoriteNYC

Marley & Me: The Twilight Years